WASHINGTON — In a groundbreaking move to streamline the fact-checking process, Republican lawmakers introduced a constitutional amendment Thursday that would allow any news causing Republican discomfort to be automatically classified as “fake news,” effectively replacing traditional verification methods with gut feelings.
The Emotional Truth Detection Amendment (ETDA), championed by House GOP leader James “Just Trust Me” Johnson, would revolutionize the way Americans determine reality by establishing discomfort as the primary arbiter of truth.
“For too long, we’ve been enslaved by so-called ‘evidence’ and ‘verifiable facts,'” Johnson declared during a press conference where he appeared visibly uncomfortable with several questions about his own statement. “This amendment finally acknowledges what we’ve known all along – if it feels wrong, it is wrong.”
The proposed amendment introduces the groundbreaking “Discomfort Scale” (DS), ranging from “Slightly Triggered” to “Full Tucker,” which would serve as the new gold standard for truth detection. Any news item causing distress levels above “Mild Conservative Queasiness” would be automatically classified as fabricated propaganda.
Dr. Richard Feelgood from the prestigious Institute of Feelings Over Facts praised the initiative, citing his recent study showing a “perfect correlation” between Republican discomfort and fake news. “Our research, which made us very comfortable, proves that emotional distress is the most reliable indicator of falsehood,” explained Feelgood, while refusing to share the study’s methodology as it “felt too uncomfortable.”
The amendment has already led to several major revelations. Climate change data was immediately classified as “Ultra Fake” after causing severe discomfort among oil company executives. Meanwhile, a story about record corporate profits during inflation was deemed “Double Plus Fake” when it made several senators shift uncomfortably in their ergonomic chairs.
To implement the new system, the government will establish the Ministry of Emotional Verification, complete with a 24/7 emergency hotline for reporting comfort-threatening information. Tech giants are already developing discomfort-detecting algorithms, with Meta announcing a new “makes me uncomfortable” button to replace their controversial fact-checking program.
Democrats attempted to protest the amendment with statistics and peer-reviewed studies, but their presentations were promptly classified as fake news for causing significant distress among Republican lawmakers. “Their charts and numbers made me feel bad,” explained Senator Tom Thompson, dabbing his forehead. “Clearly, this proves they’re false.”
The amendment includes a special provision classifying any news that makes Democrats uncomfortable as “Ultra Truth,” regardless of content. “It’s just common sense,” explained GOP spokesperson Sarah Spinner. “When they feel bad, it’s because truth hurts.”
In an unexpected development, several fact-checkers reported that the amendment itself caused them considerable discomfort, potentially creating a paradox where the amendment would classify itself as fake news. When asked about this logical contradiction, Spinner declared the paradox itself to be fake news, as thinking about it made her uncomfortable.
Citizens are encouraged to begin preparation for the new system by keeping personal comfort journals and enrolling in local “Truth Feeling” certification programs. The GOP has helpfully provided a starter kit including a comfort thermometer, a reality adjustment blindfold, and a pocket-sized copy of “Alternative Facts and Where to Feel Them.”
Remember, if this article has made you uncomfortable, you now have constitutional grounds to declare it entirely fictional.
At press time, several Republicans reported feeling uncomfortable about feeling uncomfortable, creating an infinite regression that threatened to tear the very fabric of reality.
