WASHINGTON, DC — In an unprecedented turn of events, the metropolitan area’s decade-long housing crisis was unexpectedly resolved Tuesday while local politicians were embroiled in a heated debate about who should receive credit for solving it.
The remarkable solution emerged during dual press conferences held by Democratic Mayor Sarah Phillips and Republican City Council Leader James Morton, where both claimed exclusive responsibility for fixing a problem that, until moments ago, had not actually been solved.
“Through my office’s tireless efforts of scheduling meetings about scheduling meetings, we successfully implemented our comprehensive strategy of looking like we’re doing something,” announced Mayor Phillips, standing before a hastily erected “Mission Accomplished” banner. “The fact that housing has somehow become affordable is clear evidence of my leadership.”
Moments later, at an identical podium exactly 20 feet away, Council Leader Morton declared, “This historic achievement is clearly the result of my dedicated commitment to opposing everything the mayor proposed while proposing the exact same things with different names.”
Investigation reveals that the housing crisis was inadvertently resolved when both parties, in their rush to undermine each other, accidentally approved a series of actually effective policies. The legislation passed only because neither side read it, being too preoccupied with crafting the perfect victory speech for solving a crisis they hadn’t yet solved.
“I’ve never seen anything quite like it,” said Dr. Eleanor Martinez, professor of Political Theater at Georgetown University. “Both parties were so focused on claiming credit that they accidentally created affordable housing through sheer bureaucratic incompetence. It’s the first documented case of political infighting yielding positive results.”
Sources within City Hall revealed that the solution originated from a misplaced lunch order written by intern Kevin Chen, which was mistakenly included in the official legislative packet. Chen’s detailed notes about his desired sandwich ingredients—”no inflation in prices, adequate supply to meet demand, and remove artificial barriers to production”—were interpreted as housing policy directives and accidentally enacted into law.
The success has sparked a nationwide trend, with other cities now intentionally pitting their politicians against each other in hopes of achieving similar results. The consulting firm McKinsey & Company has already launched a new “Strategic Bickering Division” to help municipalities optimize their political infighting for maximum accidental progress.
“We’re seeing a paradigm shift in how problems are solved,” explained McKinsey partner David Williams. “Our data shows that the more politicians focus on claiming credit rather than actual governance, the higher the likelihood of accidental success. We’re calling it ‘The Incompetence Dividend.'”
Both Mayor Phillips and Council Leader Morton have since hired competing marketing firms to prove their individual responsibility for the solution. The mayor’s office has launched a campaign titled “Housing Crisis Solved: You’re Welcome,” while the council has countered with “Actually, We Did That: A Story of Conservative Victory.”
Meanwhile, intern Chen has continued solving major civic problems through his lunch orders, inadvertently fixing the city’s transit system by doodling a more efficient bus route on a napkin and solving the budget deficit through a miscalculated tip.
At press time, both parties announced competing victory parades scheduled for the same time and route next Tuesday, which experts predict will accidentally create a new renewable energy source powered by political hot air.
City officials encourage residents to support future progress by intentionally sending contradictory demands to their representatives, ensuring the continued success of solving problems through aggressive credit-seeking behavior.
