Washington D.C. – In what can only be described as the most tremendous undercover operation in political history, former President Donald Trump has reportedly been wandering America’s streets in various disguises to “hear what the people are saying, believe me.”
Sources close to the situation reveal that Trump has been spotted in numerous unlikely locations, wearing what he calls “perfect disguises, maybe the best disguises ever.” These include:
- A fake mustache and beret while serving as a barista named “Jean-Donald” at a liberal coffee shop in Brooklyn
- A surprisingly convincing Elvis impersonator in Las Vegas, though he kept breaking character to remind people that his hands are bigger than Elvis’s ever were
- A mall Santa in Nebraska, who kept asking children if they thought the electoral system needed reform
- A food truck vendor selling “Trump Tacos” while wearing a sombrero and repeatedly insisting he “loves the Hispanics”
“Nobody knows it’s me, I’m like a genius at this,” Trump allegedly whispered to a confused customer while wearing a clearly visible nametag reading ‘Don T.’ and sporting a fake beard that kept falling off one side of his face.
The former president’s disguise efforts hit a snag when he attempted to blend in at a Wisconsin dairy farm wearing a cow costume that he insisted was “manufactured by the finest costume makers in China.” Farmers became suspicious when the “cow” kept bragging about its IQ and suggesting that milk prices would be “much, much higher” if it were in charge.
Despite some close calls, Trump claims his undercover mission has been “very successful, extremely successful.” When asked about his findings regarding the American people’s desires, he stated, “The people, they’re telling me – and this is very interesting – they’re saying they want better cup holders. The cup holders in this country are a disaster. Sleepy Joe hasn’t done anything about the cup holders. When I’m back in office, we’re going to have the best cup holders. Made in America. They’ll be huge.”
Campaign staffers have reportedly been trying to convince Trump that his disguises aren’t fooling anyone, especially since he refuses to cover his signature hairstyle, claiming it’s “too iconic to hide, many people are saying it’s the most recognized hair in history, maybe ever.”
At press time, Trump was seen entering a Democratic Party fundraiser wearing Groucho Marx glasses and introducing himself as “John Barron Jr., totally different person, no relation to any former presidents.”
Disclaimer: This is satire. Any resemblance to real events is purely coincidental and probably hilarious.
