WASHINGTON — In a bold move to address the looming Social Security crisis, President Biden announced Thursday a groundbreaking initiative to tax America’s untapped nasal economy, leaving economic experts simultaneously baffled and breathless.
Speaking from the Rose Garden while enthusiastically sampling the bouquet of nearby flowering shrubs, Biden unveiled the National Olfactory Revenue Act, or NORA, which will impose a $0.25 tax on each recreational sniff performed by American citizens.
“Folks, I’ve been conducting extensive personal research on this for decades,” Biden declared, leaning uncomfortably close to a startled reporter’s hair. “We’re sitting on a gold mine of untapped nostril potential. It’s time Americans paid their fair share for the privilege of innovative smell acquisition.”
The ambitious plan includes the creation of the Bureau of Olfactory Revenue (BOR), a new federal agency tasked with monitoring and collecting taxes on all non-essential sniffing activities. The initiative will require the installation of government-mandated “sniff meters” in every American home by 2025, with smart devices required to incorporate new “sniff detection technology.”
Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, who was spotted practicing holding her breath during the announcement, projects the tax will generate up to $2.3 trillion in annual revenue. “Finally, a tax that passes the smell test,” Yellen commented, while discretely breathing through her mouth.
The legislation includes a complex tiered pricing structure, with premium rates for “luxury sniffs” such as new car smell, fresh-baked cookies, and the inside of Bed Bath & Beyond stores. Essential sniffing activities, including checking milk expiration dates and detecting gas leaks, will be exempt but require submission of Form NS-69 (Necessary Sniffing Exemption Request).
To combat potential tax evasion, the administration has partnered with leading tech companies to develop “SniffChain,” a blockchain technology that will track and record every American’s nasal activities. Additionally, specially trained “Sniff Auditors” will be deployed in public spaces to ensure compliance.
The announcement has sent shockwaves through various industries. The Yankee Candle Company’s stock plummeted 43% on news of the tax, while underground “sniff speakeasies” have reportedly begun emerging in major cities. The perfume industry has declared a state of emergency, with Jean-Paul Ghastly, CEO of Scents & Sensibility, warning that “the very essence of our business is under attack.”
Public reaction has been swift and dramatic. Protest groups calling themselves “Nose Warriors” have organized nationwide demonstrations, with participants defiantly covering their nostrils with clothespins. The hashtag #BreatheFreely has trended on Twitter, while Facebook support groups like “Sniffers Anonymous” have gained millions of members overnight.
Republicans have denounced the plan, with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell proposing an alternative “Taste Tax” in response. “The Democrats want to tax every breath you take,” McConnell declared, “We suggest taxing only the things you eat instead.”
The initiative faced its first major setback during a pilot program in Delaware, where President Biden himself reportedly accumulated $47 million in personal sniffing taxes within the first week. White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre quickly clarified that “The President’s sniffs are officially classified as state business and therefore exempt from taxation.”
The White House has established a 24/7 hotline (1-800-SNIFF-HELP) for citizens struggling with sniff addiction and launched a website (ResponsibleSniffing.gov) where Americans can pre-register their nostrils before the program takes effect.
As the nation holds its breath waiting for further details, Biden remained optimistic about the program’s success. “Look, here’s the deal,” the President concluded, briefly pausing to inhale the essence of a nearby microphone, “If we all just stick our noses out for America, we can smell our way to a better tomorrow.”
At press time, sources confirmed that Vice President Harris had been appointed to lead a special task force on nasal enforcement, though she could not be reached for comment as she was reportedly attending a mandatory smell-recognition training session.
