WASHINGTON — In a historic display of unity that has shocked political observers, Democratic and Republican leaders joined forces Thursday to announce their first major bipartisan agreement of 2024: absolutely no one in the American public understands what’s happening in government anymore.
Standing shoulder-to-shoulder at a joint press conference on the steps of the Capitol, leaders from both parties celebrated the groundbreaking acknowledgment that the average American voter has completely lost the plot.
“After years of careful observation and data collection, we can finally confirm what we’ve all suspected: the American public has no clue what we do here,” announced Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), while House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) nodded vigorously beside him. “And frankly, that’s the way we like it.”
The revelation came after a comprehensive congressional study found that 97% of Americans believe a filibuster is either a type of artisanal sandwich or an illegal street dance from the 1920s. The remaining 3% were too confused by the question to respond.
Dr. Eleanor Matthews, director of the newly established Institute for Political Confusion Studies, presented additional findings showing that 82% of registered voters think the House Ways and Means Committee is a building maintenance department, while 64% believe a “ranking member” is someone who works at a military-themed CrossFit gym.
“Our research indicates that the average American’s understanding of government is somewhere between ‘absolutely nothing’ and ‘wildly incorrect,'” Matthews explained, scrolling through a PowerPoint presentation consisting entirely of question marks. “For instance, when asked to explain the debt ceiling, most respondents described it as a very tall roof in Washington where money is stored.”
Building on this momentum, congressional leaders unveiled their latest piece of bipartisan legislation: The CONFUSION Act (Concerning Our Nation’s Fundamental Understanding of Seriously Important Official National Stuff). The 2,437-page bill aims to streamline the process of making everything more complicated.
“This is a huge win for democracy,” declared Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), while inexplicably doing jazz hands. “We’re finally acknowledging that nobody knows what’s going on, including several members of Congress who I won’t name but who definitely think NATO is a type of soup.”
The initiative has already gained widespread support from both parties, with a junior congressman who wished to remain anonymous admitting, “Half the time I just vote based on what color folder they hand me. Blue means yes, I think. Or maybe that’s red. Is purple an option?”
To commemorate the breakthrough, both parties announced the formation of a new civic engagement program called Proudly Uninformed Citizens of Knowledge (PUCK), designed to celebrate and encourage political bewilderment among the electorate.
Local voter Janet Martinez expressed her enthusiasm for the new initiative while attempting to mail her tax returns to the Department of Agriculture. “It’s so refreshing to hear them finally admit what we’ve all known for years,” Martinez said, wearing her “I Voted Maybe” sticker from the last election. “Though I’m still not entirely sure who ‘them’ is.”
At press time, congressional leaders were celebrating their success by releasing a 400-page clarification document explaining why nothing needs to be explained, written entirely in Comic Sans and interpretive emojis.
When reached for additional comment, both parties directed inquiries to their new joint hotline, which plays 12 straight hours of hold music interrupted only by occasional recordings of the Constitution being read backwards in Latin.
