WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented move to address congressional gridlock, President Joe Biden unveiled his latest executive initiative Wednesday, mandating that all members of Congress be assigned official pet rocks to assist with legislative decision-making.
Speaking from the Oval Office while gently stroking a smooth, gray river rock he introduced as “Granite Kennedy Biden,” the President explained his groundbreaking strategy to restore functionality to Capitol Hill.
“Look, folks, here’s the deal,” Biden said, occasionally pausing to press the rock against his ear and nod thoughtfully. “These rocks have been around for millions of years. They’ve seen dinosaurs, ancient civilizations, and every episode of Matlock. That’s the kind of experience we need in Congress right now.”
The initiative, formally titled the “Mineral Mentorship and Legislative Enhancement Act,” requires each congressional representative to conduct mandatory 15-minute “consultation sessions” with their assigned rocks before casting any votes. The rocks, carefully selected from various national parks to “represent America’s solid foundation,” have already demonstrated remarkable political acumen, according to White House sources.
“At least these rocks stay put when we need them to vote,” Biden remarked, adding, “They’re great listeners, never interrupt, and don’t post on X at 3 AM. And let me tell you something — they’ve got more consistent positions than some folks I know.”
The program has faced some early implementation challenges. Several representatives were caught attempting to substitute painted styrofoam rocks during key voting sessions, leading to the establishment of a new Congressional Rock Authentication Committee. Additionally, three rocks have already announced their 2024 congressional campaigns, polling surprisingly well in several districts.
Dr. Sarah Petrosky, a leading geologist at the American Institute of Rock Studies, praised the initiative. “These specimens bring millions of years of experience to the table,” she explained while examining a particularly distinguished-looking piece of granite. “Unlike some congressmen, they’ve actually been through significant periods of pressure and heat without crumbling.”
The policy has garnered mixed reactions from lawmakers. An anonymous GOP Senator criticized the measure as “clearly a sedimentary overreach of executive power,” while others have embraced their new mineral advisors with unexpected enthusiasm.
“I’ve never had a more productive legislative partner,” admitted Rep. Thomas Bradford (D-MA), whose assigned rock, a piece of rose quartz named “James Madison Jr.,” recently helped broker a bipartisan infrastructure deal. “He’s got a real solid grasp on the issues.”
Congressional staffers have reported significant logistical challenges in managing the new program, including the establishment of a dedicated rock daycare facility in the Capitol basement and the implementation of a strict “no skipping” policy in the reflecting pool.
In a surprising development, recent polling shows the pet rocks maintaining a 52% approval rating, significantly outperforming their human counterparts in Congress. Political analysts attribute this success to what they’re calling the rocks’ “unwavering stability” and “consistent stance on rolling downhill.”
The initiative has already shown promising results, with several key pieces of legislation passing since its implementation. “We’re no longer taking our constituents for granite,” quipped House Speaker Mike Johnson, while carefully adjusting his rock’s tiny American flag pin.
As the program enters its second week, the White House has launched www.RocksForCongress.gov, where citizens can “meet the mineral candidates” running in their districts and compare their qualifications with incumbent representatives. Early site analytics show the rocks leading in both “trustworthiness” and “ability to maintain a solid position.”
At press time, sources confirmed that Biden’s pet rock had just been appointed to chair the Senate Intelligence Committee, with many noting it was “the most concrete progress they’d seen in months.”
