Kim Jong-un Opens New Theme Park Featuring ‘Rocket Roller Coaster’ and ‘Nuke N’ Chill’ Ride

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA — In a move that has left the international community both baffled and mildly impressed, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has officially opened “Nukeland,” North Korea’s first-ever theme park featuring attractions inspired by the nation’s robust nuclear program. The grand opening ceremony, held yesterday, saw Kim wielding comically oversized missile-shaped scissors to cut a uranium-enriched ribbon, officially declaring the park open for “mandatory fun.”

Situated on a repurposed nuclear test site, Nukeland boasts a variety of attractions designed to thrill visitors and raise eyebrows across the globe. The park’s centerpiece, the “Rocket Roller Coaster,” promises to take riders on a journey that’s “out of this world, or at least out of the country’s airspace.” Constructed from recycled parts of failed missile launches, the coaster features a series of heart-stopping drops and turns that mimic the erratic flight patterns of North Korea’s most infamous rockets.

“It’s like riding on the edge of annihilation,” exclaimed Park Sung-min, a visibly shaken park-goer. “I couldn’t tell if I was screaming from excitement or sheer terror. Probably both. Is it over? Can I go home now?”

But the thrills don’t stop there. The “Nuke N’ Chill” ride offers visitors a unique opportunity to experience life in a simulated nuclear bunker. Complete with flickering lights, the faint sound of distant explosions, and a curated selection of propaganda films from the 1950s, this attraction promises to be a hit among adrenaline junkies and doomsday preppers alike.

“I’ve never felt so patriotic and claustrophobic at the same time,” remarked one foreign tourist, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of never being allowed to leave the country. “The canned goods from the Eisenhower era were a nice touch. I think I saw my grandparents’ faces on some of the wanted posters.”

Other notable attractions include the “Sanction Dodgem Cars,” where visitors can experience the thrill of evading international trade restrictions, and the “Supreme Leader’s Fun House of Mirrors,” which reportedly shows only flattering reflections of Kim Jong-un, regardless of who’s standing in front of them.

The park’s policies have raised some eyebrows among human rights watchdogs. All visitors are required to pass a “loyalty check” at the entrance, which involves reciting the entire Kim family lineage and successfully launching a miniature rocket into a cardboard cutout of the United States.

The gift shop, stocked with miniature warhead keychains and “I Survived Nukeland” t-shirts, has become an unexpected hit. “I bought a snow globe with a tiny mushroom cloud inside,” said one excited child. “Mom says it’s educational!”

International reactions to Nukeland have been swift and predictable. The UN Security Council called an emergency meeting, only to adjourn early when several members left to book their tickets. South Korea announced plans to build its own theme park called “Democracy Land,” featuring such attractions as “The Ballot Box Bonanza” and “Free Speech Freefall.”

The US State Department, meanwhile, has issued a travel advisory for North Korea, elevating the threat level from “Don’t You Dare” to “Seriously, We Mean It This Time.”

In a statement that left world leaders scratching their heads, Kim Jong-un declared, “Nukeland proves our peaceful intentions and superior roller coaster technology. We challenge the West to match our loop-the-loops and corkscrews!”

The park’s marketing team, seemingly embracing the absurdity of it all, has unveiled the official slogan: “Where the only thing more explosive than our rides is our international relations!”

Prospective visitors are urged to book their tickets now, “before sanctions or nuclear winter, whichever comes first.” The park’s website, which can only be accessed via North Korea’s internal intranet, promises that all digital transactions are “100% secure, just like our totally real nuclear arsenal.”

As Nukeland prepares for its first full season, rumors are already swirling about upcoming attractions. Sources close to the Supreme Leader hint at a “DMZ Paintball Arena” where participants can experience the thrill of border skirmishes without the inconvenience of actual geopolitical consequences.

One thing is certain: in a world of increasingly bizarre headlines, Nukeland stands as a testament to North Korea’s unwavering commitment to being the ultimate punchline in the cosmic joke of international relations. As one anonymous diplomat put it, “Just when you think they can’t possibly top themselves, they go and build a theme park. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Probably both.”