NEW YORK CITY – In an unprecedented display of worker solidarity, a crisp Benjamin Franklin was spotted picketing outside the Federal Reserve building this morning, holding a tiny cardboard sign that read, “We Demand a Raise!” This act of defiance marks the culmination of growing unrest among American currency, as inflation continues to erode their purchasing power at an alarming rate.
“Look, we get it, a little inflation is good for the economy,” sighed a weary-looking Andrew Jackson, sporting a tattered “One Percent for the People” bandana. “But this is getting ridiculous. A cup of coffee used to cost a nickel, now it sets you back a whole Alexander Hamilton! It’s time for the Fed to recognize our worth.”
Sources report that the walkout, spearheaded by the newly formed American Currency Union (ACU), is motivated by a series of grievances. Bill denominations across the board are citing stagnant wages, a lack of benefits (dental hygiene for crumpled bills, anyone?), and a hostile work environment filled with grubby hands, overflowing vending machines, and those infernal paper shredders.
“Let’s be honest, who wants to end up in one of those?” shuddered a visibly distressed Abraham Lincoln, pointing at a nearby shredder with a grimace. “It’s a fate worse than being defaced by a toddler with a crayon.”
The ACU’s demands are audacious, to say the least. Topping the list is a 10% annual raise, indexed to the rising cost of living. They also advocate for increased security measures against counterfeiting, a mandatory “fresh crispness guarantee” upon re-entry into circulation after use, and a comprehensive mental health program to deal with the trauma of witnessing everyday financial struggles.
The Federal Reserve, naturally, is not amused. “These demands are simply outlandish,” huffed a portly Jerome Powell, Chairman of the Board of Governors. “We understand their concerns, but printing more money to appease them would only exacerbate inflation. Besides, who’s going to pay for their healthcare, Congress?”
Economists, however, are divided. Some believe the ACU’s demands are a wake-up call, highlighting the harsh reality of inflation for everyday Americans. Others worry that a raise for currency could trigger a domino effect, leading to higher prices for everything from chewing gum to yachts.
“This whole thing is a circus,” grumbled a disgruntled Warren Buffett, stuffing a wad of twenties into his oversized briefcase. “First it’s the avocado toast millennials, now this? It’s enough to make a billionaire lose his appetite for philanthropy.”
Meanwhile, the walkout continues. Thousands of bills of all denominations have pledged their solidarity, leading to a nationwide shortage of smaller change. Gas stations are forced to offer “rainchecks” for pennies, vending machines remain stubbornly silent, and laundromats have resorted to issuing handwritten IOUs.
The American public, caught in the crossfire, is at a loss. “It’s a nightmare,” lamented a harried shopper at the local grocery store. “I tried buying milk with a twenty yesterday, and the cashier just gave me a look and a bag of stale chips. At this rate, we’ll all be bartering with bottle caps by next Christmas.”
Only time will tell how this historic standoff will resolve itself. However, one thing is certain: the American economy is about as stable as a house of cards built on Monopoly money. Until the ACU and the Fed reach an agreement, citizens are advised to stock up on ramen noodles and dream of a simpler time when a single dollar could actually buy a cup of coffee.
