LOS ANGELES — In a groundbreaking fusion of reality TV entrepreneurship and immersive entertainment, Kim Kardashian announced Monday the launch of “SKAPES™,” a luxury escape room experience where participants attempt to survive a day in her life, with a success rate currently standing at zero percent.
The venture, priced at a modest $995 per hour (“because $1000 felt too obvious,” according to Kardashian), promises participants the authentic experience of being a billion-dollar business mogul who can’t remember which day she filmed which reality show.
“People always say they could do what I do,” Kardashian stated during a three-hour press conference, which she simultaneously live-streamed, converted into a TikTok dance, and used to promote her skincare line. “Now they literally can’t. It’s, like, literally impossible, which is so on-brand for me.”
The experience begins with participants signing a 75-page NDA and squeezing into a mandatory SKIMS™ compression jumpsuit ($249.99, sold separately, available in three shades of beige). They’re then thrust into a series of increasingly challenging rooms, each designed to replicate a portion of Kardashian’s daily routine.
The first challenge, “The Glam Room Gauntlet,” requires participants to perfectly apply contour makeup in pitch darkness while reciting their latest cryptocurrency investments. “We had to make it realistic,” explained Kardashian’s makeup artist, Mario Dedivanovic. “Kim often has to do her makeup while sleeping through business meetings.”
Participants who survive the makeup challenge face “The Kris Jenner Negotiation,” where they must bargain with an AI hologram of the momager demanding 15% of their future earnings, current earnings, and any earnings their future children might generate. Early beta testing showed the AI Kris Jenner successfully secured rights to three participants’ unborn grandchildren.
The most devastating room, according to early reviews, is the “Social Media Manager Meltdown,” where contestants must post 47 perfectly curated Instagram stories while balancing a green juice, responding to 16 lawsuits, and explaining to their 9-year-old why they need to restart their makeup line.
“I thought running a billion-dollar company while taking selfies would be easy,” sobbed former tech CEO Mark Thompson, who couldn’t make it past the morning smoothie selection. “But trying to choose between 35 identical green juices while an AI Kris Jenner questions your fiber intake? That’s psychological warfare.”
Celebrity reactions to SKAPES™ have been mixed. Pete Davidson reportedly entered the escape room last Tuesday and hasn’t been seen since, though his laughter can occasionally be heard through the vents. Taylor Swift booked every available session for the next month, citing “no reason in particular,” while Kanye West announced plans to launch a rival escape room where participants simply try to escape from his tweets.
The experience has already generated significant buzz, with a waiting list requiring minimum qualifications of 100,000 Instagram followers, a verified blue check, and proof of at least three cosmetic procedures. A reality show titled “Couldn’t Keep Up” will feature the most spectacular failed escape attempts, streaming exclusively on Hulu, Disney+, Netflix, Peacock, and KimTV (launching 2025).
When asked about the zero percent success rate, Kardashian smiled her trademark smile, adjusted her $75,000 mic pack, and replied, “It’s designed to be impossible, just like achieving my beauty standards. But that’s the point — if you can’t escape it, you should probably buy it™.”
At press time, sources confirmed that several participants had been trapped in the “Kim’s Closet” challenge for three days, lost in an endless maze of SKIMS™ solutions wear and monotone Balenciaga outfits. Rescue efforts are ongoing, though first responders report being delayed by having to sign NDAs and purchase the mandatory jumpsuit.
For more information or to book your futile attempt at keeping up with Kim, visit her instagram for updates.
