BREAKING: Harry Styles Announces Presidential Bid, Promises to Replace Electoral College with TikTok Dance-Offs
INDIO, CA — In a stunning political development that has left both Democratic and Republican strategists frantically googling “What’s a Harry Styles,” the 30-year-old British pop sensation announced his candidacy for U.S. President during a surprise appearance at Coachella, wearing a pantsuit made entirely of “I Voted” stickers and what appeared to be a corsage made from the Constitution.
“Listen yeah, I’ve been thinking,” Styles told the screaming crowd while sensually eating a watermelon slice, “America needs less politics and more polka dots. Less division and more sequin-based unity.” The announcement came as Styles emerged from a giant watermelon-shaped hot air balloon, which his campaign later confirmed would serve as Air Force One should he win the presidency.
The former One Direction member’s campaign platform, titled “Make America Golden Again,” includes several groundbreaking initiatives, most notably the controversial Watermelon Sugar Tax. “Every fruit-flavored product will be taxed at 70%,” explained campaign manager Tyler Swift (no relation). “Except actual watermelons, which will become the new federal currency.”
Political analysts are scrambling to make sense of Styles’ economic policies, particularly his proposal to replace the Federal Reserve with a “Feelings Board” — a panel of emotional support peacocks that will set interest rates based on their mood rings. When asked about inflation, Styles simply responded by showing off his extensive collection of high-waisted trousers, noting that “sometimes things just need room to breathe.”
The candidate’s foreign policy approach has already gained surprising traction at the United Nations, where his proposal to resolve international conflicts through dance battles has received enthusiastic support from several small nations and one very excited Denmark. “We’re going to treat people with kindness,” Styles declared, “and if that doesn’t work, we’ll treat them to a choreographed dance number.”
Domestic policy initiatives include replacing traditional Congressional voting procedures with mandatory “Fine Line” listening sessions, where legislators must sway together holding hands before casting their votes. Additionally, Styles plans to establish a National Direction Day, during which all Americans must physically walk in one direction of their choosing, “as a metaphor for unity, or whatever.”
The announcement has sent shockwaves through Washington’s traditional power structure, with one senior political analyst noting, “His foreign policy experience consists entirely of knowing what makes you beautiful in 27 countries, but honestly, that’s more cultural diplomacy than most candidates have.”
Styles’ campaign headquarters, a giant watermelon-shaped building in D.C., has already attracted thousands of supporters, many of whom appear to be several years shy of voting age. When questioned about his base’s demographics, Styles’ newly appointed Vice Presidential pick — a goldfish named “Golden” that communicates through bubbles — released a series of what the campaign interpreted as “very encouraging air circles.”
Recent polls show Styles leading among voters aged 13-16, a demographic that, while enthusiastic, cannot actually vote. However, his campaign remains optimistic, pointing to their innovative voter registration strategy of replacing ballot boxes with Harry Styles cardboard cutouts that giggle when you insert your vote.
The candidate concluded his announcement by unveiling his new presidential seal: a watermelon wearing aviator sunglasses, surrounded by the words “In Styles We Trust” written in glitter. “Stop doomscrolling, start soul-scrolling,” Styles urged the nation, before ascending back into his watermelon balloon while performing an interpretive dance about tax reform.
Political experts remain divided on Styles’ chances, with some dismissing his campaign as a publicity stunt and others admitting that stranger things have happened in American politics. Meanwhile, sales of watermelon-flavored products have surged 3000%, proving that at the very least, the Watermelon Sugar Tax might actually make a dent in the national debt.
For more information, voters are encouraged to his ig page for more to his three-hour interpretive dance explaining his position on infrastructure spending, performed entirely in a feather boa.
