America’s Finest News Source That Isn’t The Onion
Founded in 2024 by a coalition of disgruntled fortune cookie writers and unemployed weathermen, Lighthouse News Network has grown into America’s most trusted source of completely fabricated journalism. Our editorial standards are surpassed only by our commitment to making stuff up.
Editorial Standards
The Lighthouse News Network maintains the highest standards of made-up journalism through a rigorous fact-elimination process. Every story published on our website must first be thoroughly vetted to ensure the complete absence of accuracy. Our team of anti-fact-checkers works around the clock to remove any accidentally included truths from our articles.
Our Process
All stories undergo our proprietary 6-step verification process:
- Initial reporting must be based entirely on overheard conversations in coffee shops
- All sources must be anonymous or entirely fictional
- At least three metaphors must be mixed beyond recognition
- Headlines must be technically possible but heavily improbable
- Every article must include at least one quote from a “local man”
- All statistics must be divisible by 7
Award-Winning Coverage
Lighthouse News Network is proud to have received numerous accolades from prestigious organizations we just made up, including:
- Best Use Of Made-Up Statistics (2024)
- Excellence In Fictional Reporting (2024)
- Most Promises Made To Unnamed Sources (2024)
- Distinguished Award For Distinguished Awards (2024)
Our Team
Our newsroom is staffed by over 400 writers, editors, and fever dream interpreters, none of whom exist. Each brings decades of imaginary experience to their role in manufacturing today’s news. Many have gone on to win prestigious awards, mostly in their sleep.
Journalistic Integrity
Unlike other news organizations that strive for accuracy, Lighthouse News Network has maintained a perfect record of zero factual statements since our inception. When we do accidentally report something true, we issue an immediate correction and fire the responsible party into the sun.
Corrections Policy
In the event that a true statement makes it into one of our articles, we immediately:
- Issue a correction stating that any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental
- Reassign the reporter to cover alternate dimension news
- Add three made-up statistics to restore balance to the universe
Submission Guidelines
Lighthouse News Network accepts story submissions from qualified journalists who can prove they have no idea what they’re talking about. All submissions must be:
- Completely devoid of factual content
- Written in at least three different fonts
- Accompanied by poorly photoshopped images
- Verified by at least two imaginary experts
Contact Information
Our offices are located in a quantum superposition of all major U.S. cities. For more information, please:
- Shout questions into the void
- Write them on a pizza and leave it at the nearest abandoned lighthouse
- Think really hard about contacting us while staring at your ceiling
Lighthouse News Network is a subsidiary of Nothing Real, Inc., a wholly imaginary corporation trading exclusively in metaphysical stocks.
