CUPERTINO, CA — In a bold move to strengthen corporate compliance and keep workplace morale at a perfectly neutral level, Apple announced today the release of Severance: Workplace Edition, a special cut of its hit Apple TV+ series where all elements of fun, intrigue, and emotional depth have been carefully extracted—leaving behind a pure, undistilled essence of monotonous labor.
“We heard from corporate leaders across the country who were concerned that the original Severance might give employees the wrong idea—like questioning authority, valuing personal identity, or, God forbid, unionizing,” said Apple’s Senior Vice President of Corporate Synergy, Todd Carmichael, in a press statement. “So, we’ve carefully removed any scenes that might inspire workers to think critically, form attachments, or exhibit basic human emotions. Now it’s just the good stuff—filing, typing, and a respectful fear of middle management.”
The Workplace Edition reportedly eliminates any semblance of character development, humor, or dystopian warning signs, leaving behind a chillingly accurate portrayal of a real office job. Among the most notable changes:
- All plotlines about workers rebelling against the system have been cut, leaving only seamless transitions from one spreadsheet scene to the next.
- The break room now features actual corporate compliance videos, including classics such as Understanding PowerPoint: A Five-Hour Journey and Why Requesting a Raise Hurts Everyone.
- The mysterious, unsettling world of Lumon Industries has been rebranded as “a forward-thinking, synergy-focused corporate family,” with all sinister undertones removed to help maintain a positive Glassdoor rating.
“It’s truly incredible,” said one HR representative who was given an early screening. “In the original show, you could tell the employees were unhappy, and that was problematic. But in this version? No complaints. No eye contact. Just pure, uninterrupted data entry. It’s the kind of workplace culture we aspire to build.”
From Sci-Fi Horror to Corporate Training Material
Apple confirmed that numerous Fortune 500 companies have already begun licensing Severance: Workplace Edition as part of their employee onboarding process. Instead of inspirational speeches about innovation or teamwork, new hires will now be required to sit through six episodes of meticulously edited footage depicting workers completing their tasks in complete silence—interrupted only by the occasional, soul-crushing email reminder about “upcoming workflow enhancements.”
“Honestly, this version of the show is so effective that we’ve replaced our entire HR team with a single autoplaying iPad,” said Brian Forrester, an executive at a major financial institution. “After watching it, employees seem completely at peace with their roles—or at least, they’ve stopped making eye contact and talking to each other, which is a huge win for productivity.”
In response to complaints that the original Severance depicted a dystopian nightmare rather than an aspirational workplace, Apple has also added several new corporate-friendly features:
- Eliminated all moments of personal joy. Any instances of laughter or camaraderie have been digitally altered to show employees nodding solemnly at their computers.
- Introduced ‘Siri for Middle Management.’ A new voiceover has been added to remind workers that “corporate leadership cares deeply about your well-being, as long as it does not interfere with quarterly earnings reports.”
- Extended the runtime. Each episode now consists of an uninterrupted, real-time depiction of an eight-hour workday, allowing employees to pre-experience the joys of sitting in an office without questioning their life choices.
Critics Applaud the ‘Painstakingly Boring’ New Cut
Early reviews from corporate higher-ups have been overwhelmingly positive.
“The original show was a little too engaging,” said Richard Lively, CEO of a major tech firm. “I found myself getting invested in the characters, which is frankly a liability. This new version is much better. It’s so painfully realistic that by the end of the first episode, I had an existential crisis about my own job, which is exactly the type of immersive experience we want to provide for our employees.”
Meanwhile, employees who have been forced to watch Severance: Workplace Edition as part of their corporate training programs have expressed a range of emotions, from mild distress to quiet resignation.
“I didn’t realize the show was dystopian horror until I watched the Workplace Edition and noticed literally nothing had changed from my real job,” said Emma Patel, a data analyst. “At first, I thought this was a joke. Then my manager told me I’d be required to submit a 2,000-word reflection on how I could ‘bring the spirit of Lumon’ to our company. So I guess I’ll be writing that now.”
Apple’s Next Move: Expanding the ‘Severance’ Universe
Buoyed by the success of Severance: Workplace Edition, Apple is reportedly considering additional edits of popular shows to appeal to corporate clients. Potential future releases include:
- “Ted Lasso: Executive Cut”, where Ted is fired for failing to meet quarterly revenue targets and is replaced by an AI-driven leadership consultant.
- “Black Mirror: HR Edition”, where each episode ends with a reassuring voiceover reminding viewers that technology is only used for good and that excessive questioning of its role in society is a violation of company policy.
- “The Office: Compliance Training Special”, featuring Michael Scott being replaced with a 300-page employee handbook and a mandatory harassment seminar.
As for Severance: Workplace Edition, Apple assures that this is just the beginning.
“We’re thrilled to bring this new, more responsible version of Severance to workplaces everywhere,” said Carmichael. “Because at the end of the day, what do employees really want? Is it creative fulfillment? A sense of purpose? Work-life balance? No, it’s about learning to love the beautiful, gray monotony of corporate life. And that’s exactly what this version delivers.”
The new edit is set to roll out in office break rooms, HR meetings, and involuntary team-building retreats by the end of the quarter. Employees are encouraged to watch but are reminded that excessive engagement with the material may be interpreted as a violation of company policy.
