CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA — In an unprecedented move that has marsupials hopping mad, the Australian Parliament passed the controversial Marsupial Noise Reduction Act on Monday, effectively banning kangaroos from their traditional mode of transportation within city limits. The groundbreaking legislation requires the nation’s estimated 50 million kangaroos to “adopt more civilized methods of locomotion” or face hefty fines.
The law, which passed with overwhelming support from the country’s anti-bounce coalition, comes after years of complaints from urban residents about the “incessant thudding” of kangaroos disrupting their daily routines. “I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep in years,” said Karen Thompson, 42, a Sydney resident who spearheaded the “Stop the Hop” movement. “How am I supposed to hear my true crime podcasts with all this hippity-hopping going on outside?”
Under the new regulations, kangaroos must now either walk “in a manner befitting a respectable mammal” or utilize public transportation. The Department of Marsupial Transportation, a newly created government agency, has already begun installing “hop meters” throughout major cities to detect unauthorized bouncing.
“We’re implementing a comprehensive system to ensure compliance,” explained Dr. Skip Wellington, Head of Marsupial Movement Studies at the University of Melbourne. “Each kangaroo will be fitted with government-approved ‘quiet shoes’ and a pedometer to monitor their steps. Any jumping motion will trigger an immediate fine of 500 dollarydoos.”
The legislation has created an unexpected boom in the ride-share economy, with Uber reporting a 3,000% increase in kangaroo passengers since the law’s announcement. The company has already launched “Uber Roo,” a specialized service featuring vehicles with reinforced seats and extra headroom for tails.
Local entrepreneurs have also capitalized on the situation, opening “hop rehabilitation centers” where kangaroos can learn alternative forms of movement. “We’re teaching them everything from power walking to synchronized swimming,” said Sheila Watson, owner of “Hop No More” rehabilitation center in Brisbane. “Our most popular class is ‘Mindful Marsupial Movement,’ taught by a former yoga instructor.”
However, not everyone is taking the new restrictions lying down. Underground “hop speakeasies” have begun appearing in abandoned warehouses, where kangaroos gather for illicit bouncing sessions. “You can’t suppress who we are, mate,” said one anonymous kangaroo, speaking through a translator. “We were born to bounce.”
The situation took an unexpected turn yesterday when several members of Parliament were caught secretly bouncing on trampolines after hours. “It’s different when humans do it,” insisted MP Roger Bottomsworth, while hastily hiding his personal trampoline. “We’re simply testing the equipment for… research purposes.”
Meanwhile, conspiracy theories have emerged suggesting that emus are behind the anti-hopping lobby, with some pointing to substantial campaign contributions from the Australian Emu Alliance. “Follow the money,” advised Twitter user @RooTruthSeeker, who has amassed a following of 2 million concerned citizens.
In response to the crackdown, activist groups have organized the “Million Marsupial March” for next month, where protesters plan to hop in place outside Parliament House. The demonstration will be led by the newly formed advocacy group Kangaroos Against Pedestrianism (KAP).
As of press time, several kangaroos were spotted attending mandatory “rehabilitation” sessions while quietly plotting their resistance through an underground network of pouch-to-pouch communications.
When reached for comment, Prime Minister [REDACTED] defended the legislation, stating, “Look, if humans had to evolve from walking on all fours, these bouncy bastards can learn to take a few steps too.” He then promptly excused himself to address an emergency meeting about the growing emu menace.
