WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an unprecedented twist of human cognitive evolution, President Joe Biden has reportedly unlocked the remarkable ability to remember events that haven’t even happened yet, baffling neuroscientists, political analysts, and, well, pretty much everyone who lives within the confines of linear time.
“This is a breakthrough,” said Dr. Lisa Futura, head of the Harvard Institute of Temporal Studies. “Most humans struggle to recall where they left their car keys, but President Biden? He’s already reminiscing about the 2026 midterm elections. He has a crystal-clear recollection of losing his favorite pair of aviators in a future congressional debate. It’s a level of cognitive function we’ve never seen before—completely untethered from the laws of space and time.”
According to White House staff, Biden’s mind now operates on a timeline so advanced that even Stephen Hawking would’ve raised an eyebrow.
“He told me last week how the 2028 Mars Peace Treaty was the proudest moment of his third term,” said a visibly exhausted White House aide, flipping through a binder labeled Things That Haven’t Happened Yet, But Might Because Joe Said So. “I mean, we haven’t even figured out how to get humans to Mars, let alone start negotiating with the Martians. But the way he described it, you’d think he was already there, shaking tentacles.”
A Glimpse Into The Future
Biden has reportedly been shocking officials with his preemptive recollections. During a routine cabinet meeting on inflation, he casually mentioned the crisis would be resolved by 2025, thanks to a groundbreaking “coin shortage solution” that involves, somehow, printing invisible money.
“You’ll never see it coming,” Biden chuckled, before adding, “Because the coins are invisible. Trust me, it works.”
Not content with stopping there, Biden also reflected on a 2027 bipartisan bill he’d successfully shepherded through Congress. “It was a beautiful moment of unity,” he recalled fondly. “Both sides came together to legalize jetpacks for everyone. And let me tell you, Kamala really knocked that one out of the park with her Jetpacks For Justice speech. The crowd went wild. You’ll see.”
The Vice President, when asked about the future speech Biden remembered her delivering, responded with a nervous laugh. “I, uh, guess I better start preparing that now?” she said, visibly rattled. “I don’t even know where to begin with that.”
“Time is Just a Suggestion”
Leading Republican figures have been left stunned by Biden’s newfound cognitive prowess. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell was particularly dumbfounded after Biden correctly recalled a Senate deadlock that, according to Biden’s memories, won’t happen until 2026.
“He’s already frustrated by the filibuster we haven’t used yet,” McConnell grumbled. “Frankly, it’s impressive. Annoying, but impressive.”
Even more unsettling is Biden’s habit of casually recounting intimate details of future GOP presidential candidates. “Look, I’ve already debated Ted Cruz Jr. in 2032,” Biden told reporters, cracking a smile. “Kid’s got his dad’s beard and his mom’s sense of fashion. It was a tough debate—he really nailed me on that whole ‘reality TV’ presidency thing. But, in the end, you know, I won over the voters by promising everyone holographic healthcare.”
When asked for clarification on what holographic healthcare entails, Biden replied, “You’ll have to wait and see. But trust me, it’s better than what we have now—and a lot shinier.”
The Impact on Day-to-Day Governance
As Biden continues to blur the lines between past, present, and future, White House staffers have reportedly started using his future memories as a form of strategic planning. One anonymous insider shared that meetings are now frequently canceled based on Biden’s recollection of their outcomes.
“Why bother holding a meeting when Biden already remembers the decision?” the staffer sighed. “He told us we didn’t need to go over the new infrastructure bill because we ‘already hashed it out next month.’ It’s saving time, sure, but it’s also getting a little… disorienting.”
In another instance, Biden reportedly informed the Pentagon that their planned 2024 strategy meeting on national defense was unnecessary, since he vividly remembered the outcome—a declaration of victory in a war against AI-controlled drones that hasn’t even been proposed yet.
“The man’s a visionary,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin. “He’s already beat the robots. I just wish he’d tell us how.”
Future-Proofing the Presidency
As Biden continues to flex his memory muscles, America finds itself in a peculiar position. On one hand, having a president who can preemptively recall future events could save the country from a lot of headaches. On the other hand, the existential dread of knowing that Biden can already remember how your next family vacation will go might be a bit too much for most Americans to handle.
“You think you’re just living your life, making choices,” said one anonymous citizen. “Then Biden goes on TV and says he remembers you switching to oat milk in 2025 because your doctor said your cholesterol was a little high. It’s like… what?”
As the President continues to peer into the future, one thing is clear: America is in for a wild ride—most of which Biden already remembers in vivid detail. So buckle up, folks, and get ready for the future Biden’s already experienced. And if you see him staring off into the middle distance during a speech, don’t worry—he’s probably just recalling the outcome of your next congressional election.
Call to Action:
In the meantime, Americans are encouraged to sit back, relax, and brace for the weirdness to come. After all, if Biden remembers it, it’s already halfway true, right? And as for the rest of us, well… see you in 2028. Biden’s got some pretty wild stories about it.
