WASHINGTON — In a groundbreaking announcement that’s being hailed as “the most comfortable policy initiative in American history,” President Biden unveiled his latest executive action today: The National Rest and Refresh Initiative (RRI), which mandates scheduled naps, designated snack times, and the possibility of additional naps if the first ones weren’t satisfactory.
Speaking from the newly renovated White House Comfort Room, complete with memory foam recliners and ambient sound machines, the President detailed his vision while dressed in presidential pajamas with embroidered eagles. “Look, folks, here’s the deal: Every great nation was built on three things — dedication, perseverance, and a good afternoon snooze,” Biden declared, occasionally glancing at the specially designed teleprompter mounted above his orthopedic pillow.
The comprehensive plan, spanning 47 pages of large-print text with generous margins for doodling, introduces several groundbreaking measures. Most notably, it establishes a mandatory national quiet time from 2-4 PM, during which all federal buildings must dim their lights and play soft jazz or whale sounds, depending on regional preferences.
“We’re facing unprecedented challenges in today’s world,” explained newly appointed Secretary of Afternoon Rest, Dr. Sarah Snooze. “Our studies show that 98% of political disagreements occur when someone is hangry or hasn’t had their afternoon nap.” The administration’s internal research suggests that the other 2% of disagreements happen when someone takes the last cookie from the congressional break room.
The initiative has already begun transforming government operations. The Pentagon has replaced its war room with a “peace and quiet room,” featuring state-of-the-art recliners equipped with cup holders sized perfectly for warm milk. The Supreme Court, traditionally known for its strict decorum, now requires justices to wear specialized napping robes over their regular robes.
Wall Street has responded enthusiastically to the announcement, with several major companies rushing to capitalize on the new “comfort economy.” Goldman Sachs has created a new “Nap Index” to track the performance of blanket manufacturers, cookie companies, and producers of adult-sized footie pajamas.
Not everyone is embracing the changes, however. Republican leadership initially criticized the plan but was unavailable for further comment as they were all reportedly testing the new mandatory rest periods “for research purposes.” An anonymous aide later confirmed finding the entire Republican caucus sound asleep in their offices, clutching their favorite stuffed elephants.
International reaction has been swift. The British Prime Minister announced a complementary “Tea and Kip” policy, while the French president demanded longer naps with wine pairings. The Canadian government expressed interest but insisted on using maple syrup instead of honey in the mandatory pre-nap snacks.
Perhaps most surprisingly, early data suggests the initiative is working. White House productivity has reportedly increased during “awake hours,” though fact-checkers are still trying to determine if anyone was actually awake to measure this. A recent poll shows the President’s highest approval ratings coincide perfectly with national naptime, when no one is awake to disapprove.
The administration has already begun phase two of the initiative, which includes the installation of executive hammocks in Congress and the establishment of a Strategic Pudding Reserve. “We must ensure that every American has access to both adequate rest and appropriate snacks,” Biden emphasized, before adding, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my backup nap in case my first nap wasn’t restful enough.”
As the nation adapts to this new era of government-mandated coziness, citizens are being urged to “dream their way to a better tomorrow.” The Department of Transportation has even begun installing “emergency nap pods” along major highways, though critics argue these are just regular traffic jams rebranded as “horizontal relaxation zones.”
With the 2024 election approaching, political analysts are watching closely to see if this bold strategy pays off. As one anonymous insider noted, “It’s the first time in history the entire government has been in complete agreement — mainly because they’re all asleep.”
