WASHINGTON — In a bold move to address what White House officials are calling “selective electoral amnesia,” President Biden unveiled his administration’s latest campaign strategy Wednesday: a time machine designed to transport voters back to “those four years we all try to forget.”
The device, resembling a hybrid between a voting booth and a DeLorean, was dramatically unveiled during a White House press briefing, where it immediately began emitting concerning sounds reminiscent of old tweets being forcibly reshared.
“This is absolutely, positively, not just a PowerPoint presentation of old news clips,” insisted Dr. Marty McPresent, the newly appointed Head of Temporal Voter Engagement. “What we have here is cutting-edge technology powered by pure unredacted tweets and residual covfefe energy.”
According to totally real Pentagon documents about “Operation Remember When,” the time machine has undergone rigorous testing with focus groups, though not without some notable incidents. Several participants were accidentally sent too far back and witnessed Nixon declaring, “I am not a crook,” while others reported an uncontrollable urge to check Twitter at 3 AM.
“One test subject is still stuck in 2017, trying to understand what a ‘hamberder’ is,” admitted McPresent, while adjusting his “Make Time Travel Great Again” lab coat. “But we consider that an acceptable margin of error.”
The machine’s safety features include “alternate reality protection” and “fact-resistant shields,” with a special chamber designed to accommodate both MAGA hats and fact-checkers simultaneously – a breakthrough in quantum political mechanics.
Republican critics have been quick to condemn the initiative, with some claiming it violates campaign finance laws from 1876. “How do we know Biden isn’t using this to go back and change his Wordle scores?” demanded one concerned congressman, who requested anonymity to avoid temporal prosecution.
The GOP has launched its own counter-initiative called “Forward to the Past,” which reportedly consists of a ViewMaster filled with carefully curated Facebook memories.
Despite the controversy, the Department of Temporal Affairs has begun accepting applications for “memory refresher” sessions. “The entire program costs less than one border wall payment,” boasted Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, while attempting to expense a flux capacitor.
However, the project hasn’t been without its glitches. During a demonstration yesterday, the machine accidentally revealed a future headline: “2024 Election Actually Just 2020 Rerun,” causing several journalists to experience what doctors are calling “democratic déjà vu.”
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre addressed concerns about potential temporal paradoxes during yesterday’s briefing. “We want to be very clear,” she stated, reading from a binder labeled ‘Temporal Talking Points,’ “any similarities between past events and current events are purely coincidental and definitely not a glitch in the space-time continuum.”
The administration has issued a lengthy disclaimer for potential participants, warning of side effects including “sudden understanding of constitutional amendments” and “an inexplicable desire to read the entire Mueller Report in one sitting.”
As of press time, the Department of Temporal Affairs reported that several voters had already used the machine and were “significantly more informed,” though some appeared to be stuck in an infinite loop of watching impeachment hearings.
Voters interested in participating in the temporal voter education program are encouraged to bring their own sanitizer and “reality anchors.” The White House emphasized that all trips are one-way and that any accidental creation of alternate timelines is not covered by Medicare.
Dr. McPresent concluded the briefing by addressing concerns about the project’s actual effectiveness: “Look, if we can’t change the past, we can at least remember it correctly. Besides, has anyone really seen the previous administration and a stable time paradox in the same room?”
