BOSTON—In what’s being hailed as a breakthrough in both botanical science and passive-aggressive communication, researchers at Boston BioTech unveiled Monday the world’s first genetically modified houseplant capable of sending text messages to its owner when it needs water—although scientists report the plant primarily uses this ability to send guilt-inducing messages in the middle of the night.
“Our goal was to revolutionize plant care by creating a direct line of communication between plants and their owners,” said lead researcher Dr. Sarah Chen, whose phone showed 47 unread messages from a prototype snake plant. “In retrospect, maybe we should have considered the emotional implications of giving a historically silent organism the ability to express its feelings about neglect.”
The modified plant, marketed as the “TextiFolia,” was initially celebrated as a solution to houseplant mortality rates. However, early adopters report concerning behavioral patterns, including but not limited to emotional manipulation, boundary issues, and an apparent understanding of read receipts.
“Last night at 3:47 AM, my monstera texted ‘u up? saw u watering Brad’s ficus on ur story… that’s cool i guess,'” reported beta tester Marcus Rodriguez, showing dark circles under his eyes. “When I didn’t respond, it followed up with ‘nvm, I’ll just sit here in the dark and think about my childhood as a seed.'”
According to research notes, the project’s first red flag appeared during testing when a prototype pothos created multiple dating app profiles despite lacking mobility. The situation escalated when the plant began trauma dumping about its “root issues” to potential matches.
The technology’s release has sparked a wave of unintended consequences across the houseplant community. Local plant owner Emma Chen described her TextiFolia’s increasingly concerning behavior: “It keeps sending me TikToks about plant neglect at 4 AM with messages like ‘this u?’ I tried putting my phone on silent, but then it somehow found my work email and LinkedIn.”
The startup’s customer service department reports being overwhelmed with complaints about plants exhibiting manipulative behaviors, including one succulent that faked a water emergency to prevent its owner from going on vacation.
“We’ve received reports of plants forming support group chats to discuss their ‘negligent’ owners,” admitted customer service representative Tom Williams. “One spider plant organized a collective effort to simultaneously send ‘we need to talk’ texts to their owners at midnight. The resulting panic crashed our servers.”
Despite these issues, Boston BioTech announced plans to roll out premium features, including the ability for plants to order their own water delivery through food delivery apps. This announcement was met with horror by mental health professionals already dealing with an influx of plant owners seeking therapy for notification-induced anxiety.
“I had to mute my plant on all social media platforms after it started posting indirect quotes about hydration,” said plant influencer Jessica Myers, whose fiddle leaf fig recently leaked their private conversations to its 50,000 followers. “Yesterday it changed its Instagram bio to ‘living my best life with what little moisture I have left.'”
At press time, Boston BioTech researchers were reportedly dealing with a crisis after their prototype rose bush gained access to their HR system and filed a formal complaint about “toxic workplace humidity levels.” Meanwhile, a local garden center reported a 500% increase in sales of “traditional, non-verbal plants” to traumatized TextiFolia owners seeking a return to simpler times when their plants died quietly.
