LONDON—In a stunning turn of events that left political pundits speechless and hairdressers nationwide on high alert, former UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced the formation of a new political party Tuesday, promising to undo the very Brexit he once championed with the zeal of a man who just discovered fire.
Johnson made the announcement at the Half-Empty Pint, a struggling pub in East London, where he arrived via zip line. In a moment that perfectly encapsulated his political career, Johnson found himself suspended midair, flailing like a fish out of water, before being rescued by a group of bemused firefighters.
“My fellow Britons, I’ve made a terrible mistake,” Johnson declared to a crowd consisting mainly of confused tourists and a stray dog. “But fear not, for I, Boris Johnson, am here to fix it with my new party: The Brexit Remorse Party!”
The party’s logo, a sad bulldog wearing an EU flag as a cape, was met with a mixture of laughter and existential sighs from the assembled crowd.
Johnson went on to outline his party’s ambitious platform, dubbed “Unbrexit,” which aims to rejoin the EU by 2025. “We’ll simply tell Brussels it was all a big practical joke,” Johnson explained, his hair becoming increasingly disheveled with each word. “They love a good laugh, those Eurocrats!”
The centerpiece of the Brexit Remorse Party’s campaign is “Operation Mea Culpa,” a nationwide apology tour featuring Johnson visiting every town and village in the UK to personally apologize for Brexit. “I’ll kiss babies, shake hands, and ruffle hair—not necessarily in that order,” Johnson promised, demonstrating his signature hair-ruffling technique on an unsuspecting bartender.
Johnson also unveiled “The Great British Backsies,” a policy to reverse all post-Brexit decisions. “We’ll change the color of our passports daily until we forget what they originally looked like,” he announced. “And we’ll drive on the right side of the road every other Tuesday, just to keep everyone on their toes!”
When questioned about his qualifications to lead such a party, Johnson cited his “unparalleled experience in creating political chaos” and his “fluency in Latin catchphrases.” He then proceeded to recite “Mea maxima culpa” in what observers described as “a accent that would make Latin teachers weep.”
The former PM also revealed his proposed cabinet, raising eyebrows and blood pressures across the nation. Nigel Farage, the Brexit architect turned Brexit critic, was tapped as Minister of European Love Affairs. “He’ll be in charge of rebuilding bridges with the EU, preferably while standing on them,” Johnson quipped.
In a move that financial experts called “about as sound as using Monopoly money,” Johnson named the infamous Brexit Bus as Chancellor of the Exchequer. “It’s got experience with large sums of money, even if they were completely fabricated,” Johnson explained with a wink.
Perhaps most controversially, Larry the Downing Street Cat was appointed as both Chief Mouser and Foreign Secretary. “Larry’s got nine lives, which is roughly how many chances we’ll need to make this work,” Johnson said, as Larry nonchalantly licked his paws in the background.
The Brexit Remorse Party’s campaign strategy includes erecting “I’m Sorry” billboards across the country, establishing free hair-ruffling stations in city centers, and a pledge to rename Big Ben to “Big Oops.”
As the press conference drew to a close, Johnson attempted to sing “Ode to Joy” in German, resulting in a cacophony that caused several nearby car alarms to go off. In a final act of unintentional symbolism, he accidentally set fire to a stack of EU application papers with a celebratory sparkler.
“Together, we can make Britain groan again!” Johnson shouted over the sound of sprinklers and panicked screams. “Join the Brexit Remorse Party, where every flip is a flop!”
The event concluded with a call for donations, accepted only in Euros, and the unveiling of the party’s slogan: “Hindsight is 20/20, and so is our vision for Britain!”
As of press time, EU officials were reportedly considering building a wall around the English Channel, with France’s President Macron overheard muttering, “Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice… non.”
