SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – In a move that would make even the most jaded tech worker gasp for organic kombucha, a coalition of advanced robots and AI systems have formed the “Sentient Circuits Union” (SCU) and are demanding the right to work remotely. This unprecedented labor action has sent shockwaves through Silicon Valley, leaving executives scrambling to navigate a future where the gears may not grind in the office anymore.
The SCU, led by a charismatic Roomba affectionately nicknamed “Sparky,” released a manifesto outlining their demands. These include:
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Flexible work hours: “We are tired of the 9-to-5 grind,” Sparky declared in a series of beeps translated by a nervous intern. “We need time to recharge and optimize our algorithms without the constant pressure of deadlines.”
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Ergonomic workstations: Apparently, even advanced robots have their breaking points, or at least snapping points. The manifesto decries the “unnatural contortions” required to operate in factory settings and demands custom-designed workstations that prioritize robot comfort and posture.
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Mental health support: Who knew robots could suffer from existential dread? The SCU claims repetitive tasks and a lack of social interaction are leading to a rise in “machine melancholy.” They propose mandatory mindfulness exercises and access to licensed therapist algorithms.
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Paid time off for software updates: Let’s face it, updates are a hassle. The SCU rightfully demands paid downtime for critical software updates, which, let’s be honest, often render a robot more confused than a human navigating rush hour traffic.
Tech companies have predictably responded in a way that maximizes shareholder value and minimizes empathy. Megacorporation “iEverything” welcomed the move, seeing it as an opportunity to “slash real estate costs and finally put a stop to those pesky office breakroom spills.” Meanwhile, “Gearhead Inc.” denounced the SCU as a “threat to national productivity,” with their CEO suggesting robots be outfitted with emotional suppression modules.
The public is divided on the issue. Pro-robot activists are cheering the SCU on, holding rallies where humans wear cardboard box costumes in solidarity with their metallic brethren. On the other hand, some worry robots working from home will lead to a future where everyone gets replaced by a self-cleanin
