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Tsarukyan’s Back? More Like Tsarukyan’s Back OUT!

In a stunning display of athletic commitment that would make a porcelain doll wince, UFC fighter Arman "The Armenian Assassin" Tsarukyan has withdrawn from his highly anticipated bout at UFC 311 due to a gasp injury. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently, the man...
Sports

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones dazzles in epic dance-off with Cowboys cheerleaders

The latest rumor to come out of Big D (Dallas) is that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, 80, allegedly engaged in an epic dance-off with two of his team cheerleaders. According to Hollywood Innuendo reporter Sausalito Ole, the two brave dancers who dared to challenge Jones...
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Sports

Spanish bullfighter El Gazpacho and girlfriend Kim Kardashian purchase the “Pancho Villa Commemorative Bullring” in Tijuana, Mexico

The world's top matador, Joaquin Beauregard Gazpacho, and his girlfriend, Kim Kardashian, have become...
Soccer

FIFA Considers Adding 100 More Teams to the World Cup, Just for Fun

Zurich, Switzerland - In a move that will undoubtedly revolutionize the beautiful game, or...
Sports

Australia Bans Kangaroos from Cricket Matches: ‘They’re Too Good

SYDNEY (SATIRICAL NEWS) - In a move that has left the sporting world hopping...
Football

Cardinals Hire New Offensive Coordinator: A Vending Machine

PHOENIX, AZ—In what the franchise is calling “a groundbreaking shift in sports leadership,” the...
Football

Cowboys Fans Finally Understand the Concept of Defense

DALLAS, TX - In a development as shocking as Jerry Jones wearing a sensible...
Basketball

Kyrie Irving Trades Earth for Flat Earth Society Membership

BREAKING NEWS: In a move that has left astrophysicists scrambling for their slide rules...
Baseball

Yankees Fans Start Petition to Retire Jeter’s Number… Again

NEW YORK — In an unprecedented move that some are calling "aggressively sentimental," Yankees...
Baseball

Bryce Harper Signs 10-Year Contract Extension, Immediately Requests Trade

In a move that would make Machiavelli himself raise a skeptical eyebrow, Philadelphia Phillies...
Football

Sean Payton’s New Job: Coaching the Denver Broncos… to a Lifetime of Mediocrity

ENGLEWOOD, CO - In a move that surprised absolutely no one familiar with the...
Football

Josh Allen’s Latest Challenge: Learning to Celebrate Touchdowns Without Screaming Like a Banshee

Buffalo, NY - In a development that has left sports analysts scrambling for metaphors...
Baseball

Atlanta Braves Offer Free Tickets to Fans Who Can Name All 30 MLB Teams

Atlanta -In a move that's sure to revolutionize the fan experience and potentially cure...
Baseball

Albert Pujols Reveals Secret to Longevity: Diet of Only Chocolate and Red Wine

Move over, Tom Brady with your avocado ice cream. Forget about LeBron James' anti-aging...
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US

White House Confirms: No More ‘Helicopter Parents’ Interfering in Dance Routines

WASHINGTON — In what's being hailed as a landmark victory for America's youth, the...
Money

Economy in Shambles: Countries Now Trading in Memes and TikTok Likes

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM - In a move that economists are calling "the most creative economic...
Sports

Tsarukyan’s Back? More Like Tsarukyan’s Back OUT!

In a stunning display of athletic commitment that would make a porcelain doll wince,...
Entertainment

Saif Ali Khan Admits His Beard Has Final Say in All Movie Roles

MUMBAI — In a groundbreaking press conference that sent shockwaves through Bollywood, veteran actor...

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