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White House Confirms: No More ‘Helicopter Parents’ Interfering in Dance Routines

WASHINGTON — In what's being hailed as a landmark victory for America's youth, the White House announced today that the upcoming TikTok ban will finally put an end to the nationwide epidemic of parents critiquing their teenagers' dance moves from behind smartphones. "This is a...
US

Congress Passes Bill to Make ‘Please’ Optional in Polite Society

In a groundbreaking legislative move that has left etiquette experts baffled and social media ablaze, the United States Congress has officially declared the word "please" optional in polite society. This controversial decision, which has been met with mixed reactions, is poised to fundamentally alter...
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FBI Launches Nationwide Search for America’s Missing Middle Ground

In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation reeling, the Federal...
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CDC Recommends New Vaccine to Prevent ‘Political Foot-in-Mouth Disease’

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a press conference riddled with nervous coughs and awkward silences,...
US

Department of Education Introduces ‘TikTok for Tots’ Learning Program

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a groundbreaking move that's sure to revolutionize education for the...
US

USPS Replaces Mail Trucks with Carrier Pigeons to Cut Costs

Philadelphia - In a move that would make Benjamin Franklin himself do a double-take,...
US

Supreme Court Justices Now Required to Wear Mood Rings for ‘Transparency’

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move lauded by proponents of "increased judicial openness" and...
US

Biden Announces New Pet Rock Policy: ‘It’s Got More Brains Than Some Congressmen”

WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented move to address congressional gridlock, President Joe Biden unveiled...
US

Biden Announces New ‘Sniffing Tax’ to Fund Social Security

WASHINGTON — In a bold move to address the looming Social Security crisis, President...
US

Supreme Court Rules in Favor of ‘Sentient’ AI, Grants Equal Rights and Netflix Subscription

WASHINGTON — In a groundbreaking 6-3 decision that's already being hailed as the most...
US

Congress Passes Law Mandating Daily Naps for All Employees, Including the President

WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented display of bipartisan cooperation, Congress passed the National Alertness...
US

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Release New Memoir: “We’re Still Over Here, Guys!”

In a stunning display of self-awareness, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have released their...
US

New Restaurant Opens Serving Only ‘Florida Man’ Inspired Dishes

Just last week, a Florida man (shocking, we know) attempted to rob a gas...
US

Major City’s Housing Crisis Mysteriously Solved While Politicians Debate Who Should Take Credit

WASHINGTON, DC — In an unprecedented turn of events, the metropolitan area's decade-long housing...
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US

White House Confirms: No More ‘Helicopter Parents’ Interfering in Dance Routines

WASHINGTON — In what's being hailed as a landmark victory for America's youth, the...
Money

Economy in Shambles: Countries Now Trading in Memes and TikTok Likes

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM - In a move that economists are calling "the most creative economic...
Sports

Tsarukyan’s Back? More Like Tsarukyan’s Back OUT!

In a stunning display of athletic commitment that would make a porcelain doll wince,...
Entertainment

Saif Ali Khan Admits His Beard Has Final Say in All Movie Roles

MUMBAI — In a groundbreaking press conference that sent shockwaves through Bollywood, veteran actor...

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