WASHINGTON D.C. – In a press conference riddled with nervous coughs and awkward silences, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued a dire warning today: Political Foot-in-Mouth Disease (PFMD) is spreading faster than a campaign promise on the eve of an election.
“This highly contagious condition,” explained Dr. Bartholomew Flake, Director of the CDC’s Division of Verbal Blunders, “renders sufferers incapable of uttering a single sentence without causing national outrage or international confusion.”
Common symptoms of PFMD include the excessive use of superlatives (“the most tremendous wall ever built”), the unintentional insult (“you people are doing a great job… considering”), and a sudden, inexplicable urge to tweet controversial opinions at 3 am.
“We’re seeing a dramatic increase in cases across the political spectrum,” Dr. Flake continued, adjusting his tie nervously. “Politicians of all stripes seem to be contracting PFMD at an alarming rate, regardless of experience, party affiliation, or age.”
Dr. Flake pointed to recent outbreaks, including a high-profile case where a senator accidentally endorsed his opponent while attempting to slander them, and a town hall meeting where a mayor tripped over their own metaphors while discussing infrastructure improvements.
“These are just the tip of the iceberg,” warned Dr. Flake, brandishing a graph that appeared to depict a correlation between PFMD cases and the number of political soundbites broadcasted on cable news.
Risk Factors and Prevention:
The CDC identified several risk factors for PFMD, including:
- Running for public office (especially during primary season)
- Attending political rallies (exposure to excessive rhetoric highly contagious)
- Regularly watching cable news programs (increased likelihood of verbal tics and inflammatory pronouncements)
However, the CDC offered little in the way of practical prevention methods. Dr. Flake vaguely suggested wearing a “verbal filter” (currently unavailable for purchase) and avoiding all contact with news outlets (deemed “impractical and emotionally unsustainable”).
Expert Commentary:
Professor Milton Bungle, a renowned gaffeologist (yes, that’s a real field, apparently), offered his insights: “Political Foot-in-Mouth Disease is as old as democracy itself. Remember King Henry VIII’s unfortunate comment about his wife’s ankles? Classic PFMD.”
Dr. Penelope Babble, a leader in the nascent field of political speech therapy, provided some (slightly) more helpful advice: “Focus on nonverbal communication,” she suggested. “Head nods, vigorous handshakes, and maintaining good eye contact can work wonders in masking a complete lack of coherent thought.”
The Cure is Here! (Maybe):
In a glimmer of hope, Dr. Flake announced a breakthrough: a groundbreaking new vaccine called “Polititox.”
“Polititox,” he explained with a hint of desperation in his voice, “is a revolutionary inoculation designed to bolster the body’s natural defenses against verbal blunders and outlandish pronouncements.”
However, Dr. Flake was unable to provide a concrete timeline for Polititox’s release, citing “extensive clinical trials” and “ongoing negotiations with Big Pharma.”
The CDC urges all concerned citizens to contact their local representatives and demand immediate funding for the development and distribution of Polititox.
“A well-functioning democracy,” Dr. Flake concluded, clearing his throat for the third time, “requires clear, concise, and, most importantly, non-incriminating communication. Let’s work together to eradicate Political Foot-in-Mouth Disease and usher in a new era of civility in political discourse.” (He then accidentally elbowed a reporter on his way out of the conference room, muttering a string of apologies that could only be described as… well, let’s just say his vaccine might be in high demand.)
