WASHINGTON — In a groundbreaking move to modernize America’s democratic process, Congress passed legislation Thursday replacing the Electoral College with a nationwide TikTok dance competition, finally answering the age-old question of whether the presidency should be decided by who has the best choreography.
The “Making America Groove Again Act” passed with surprising bipartisan support after a viral video of Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA) attempting “The Griddy” garnered an unexpected 2.3 million likes. “If we can’t beat Gen Z, we might as well join them,” said Grassley, still breathing heavily from his performance. “Besides, this system makes more sense than explaining how someone can win the presidency with fewer votes.”
Under the new system, presidential candidates must create official TikTok accounts with the handle format @POTUS_Dancer_[YEAR], where their campaign messaging will be delivered exclusively through interpretive dance and trending audio clips. Electoral votes will be allocated based on a complex algorithm combining view counts, likes, and the elusive “It’s giving president” vibes.
“Finally, a voting system more logical than the Electoral College,” remarked Dr. Sandra Chen, a political scientist at Harvard University, while updating her course syllabus to include sections on dance theory and proper ring light placement. “At least now when we say our democracy is a performance, we’ll mean it literally.”
The legislation includes special provisions for candidates over 70, allowing them to use green screen effects and facial filters to appear more youth-friendly. Campaign staff across the country are reportedly scrambling to enroll their candidates in emergency dance classes, with one anonymous aide admitting, “It’s harder to teach a senator to dougie than to explain foreign policy.”
The Supreme Court will serve as official dance judges, with Chief Justice John Roberts expressing excitement about his new role. “I’ve been practicing my critical face,” Roberts stated while attempting to perfect his “disappointed head shake” technique. “Besides, after Bush v. Gore, judging dance moves seems refreshingly straightforward.”
Security concerns have already emerged, with intelligence agencies warning about potential Russian dance bot interference and the CIA establishing a new division dedicated to tracking suspicious choreography patterns. “We take these threats seriously,” stated FBI Director Christopher Wray. “We’ve already identified several foreign actors attempting to infiltrate American TikTok feeds with suspiciously smooth moves.”
The transition hasn’t been without controversy. A constitutional crisis erupted when 16-year-old TikTok sensation @Democracy_Queen accumulated enough trending points to theoretically secure the presidency, leading to heated debates about whether the Constitution’s age requirement should take precedence over viral supremacy.
Third-party candidates are demanding equal trending time, with the Green Party insisting their interpretive dance about climate change deserves the same algorithm boost as major party candidates. Meanwhile, the Libertarian Party has refused to participate, claiming that forced choreography violates their freedom of expression.
Campaign strategies have already begun to evolve, with traditional debate prep being replaced by intensive dance bootcamps. “Instead of practicing policy responses, we’re working on our candidate’s transition from the ‘renegade’ to discussing infrastructure,” explained one campaign manager while adjusting their candidate’s ring light.
The public is encouraged to participate in the new democratic process by joining the #DemocracyChallenge, where voters can register through duets and express their political preferences through carefully curated dance moves. Voter turnout is expected to skyrocket, primarily because users can’t stop scrolling long enough to leave their polling places.
As the 2024 election approaches, only time will tell if this new system will revolutionize American democracy or simply add better choreography to political theater. In the meantime, candidates are reminded that they have until the Iowa caucuses to perfect their moves, and that no, the Macarena is not considered a valid campaign strategy.
At press time, sources confirmed that several members of Congress were seen outside the Capitol building attempting to learn the “Wednesday Dance,” presumably to filibuster upcoming legislation.
