(WASHINGTON D.C.) – In a development that surprised absolutely no one familiar with the current political climate, the stage for last night’s highly anticipated presidential debate collapsed moments before the candidates were set to take the podium. Initial reports suggest the sheer volume and negativity of pre-debate attack ads may have been a contributing factor.
“It just couldn’t handle it anymore,” explained construction worker Harold Johnson, still visibly shaken from the incident. “The stage was built to withstand angry mobs, hecklers, even the occasional rogue water bottle. But this? This relentless barrage of negativity? It was like watching a toddler melt down over a broken cookie.”
Eyewitnesses reported witnessing a horrifying spectacle, a physical manifestation of the current political discourse. Hours of vicious attack ads, each accusing the candidates of treason, puppy-kicking, and harboring a secret love affair with kale, apparently materialized into a tangible force field, crushing the stage into splinters.
“It was like a scene out of a bad superhero movie,” said political analyst Penelope Chatterbox. “The air crackled, the lights flickered, and then… boom. The stage whimpered, like a dog being scolded, and then just gave out.”
Naturally, both candidates immediately took the opportunity to exploit the situation for political gain. Incumbent President Bartholomew “Bart” Bigshot blamed his challenger, Senator Serenity “Sunny” Sunshine, for weakening the very fabric of American democracy with her “socialist sympathies and suspiciously youthful complexion.”
“This is clearly a metaphor for the erosion of American values under her leadership,” Bigshot declared dramatically, gesturing at the rubble. “Just like this stage, our nation stands on the precipice of collapse, thanks to the radical left!”
Sunshine, ever the optimist, saw the silver lining. “This unfortunate incident just proves that the American people are tired of negativity,” she chirped. “They crave positivity, unity, and maybe a good foot massage after all this mudslinging.”
Meanwhile, social media erupted in a frenzy of memes and snarky commentary. Users quickly created hilarious photoshops depicting the stage crushed under the weight of a giant red button labeled “Attack Ad,” and videos mocking the candidates’ blame game.
However, amidst the jokes and memes, a sense of unease lingered. A structural engineer, brought in to assess the damage, offered a concerning explanation. “The stage wasn’t actually structurally unsound,” he admitted sheepishly. “It appears it… declared itself emotionally distressed due to prolonged exposure to hostile rhetoric.”
This revelation left a stunned silence in its wake. Is it possible that even inanimate objects have reached their breaking point in this toxic political environment?
Looking ahead, the future of political debates remains uncertain. Some propose replacing the stage with a reinforced bunker, while others suggest holding them on the moon – a neutral territory free from the gravitational pull of earthly negativity. Whatever the solution, one thing is clear: the current political discourse needs a serious intervention before it collapses the very foundation of American politics.
In the meantime, concerned citizens are urged to donate generously to the “Rebuild the Stage, Rebuild Our Civility” fund. Or, perhaps they could consider voting for the candidate who can actually withstand the weight of truth (if such a creature exists).
This, of course, is a hypothetical scenario. We at The Onion would never advocate for emotional distress in non-living objects. Absolutely not.
