TECH NEWS
Elon Musk Buys Twitter Again, Plans to Rename It ‘Musk-rat’: Second Time’s the Charm?
In a move that shocked absolutely no one who’s been following the world’s most expensive game of social media hot potato, Elon Musk announced today that he has repurchased Twitter using what he described as “pocket change found between Tesla seat cushions.” The billionaire entrepreneur, apparently unsatisfied with his previous attempt to revolutionize online discourse through the confusing “X” rebrand, plans to rename the platform “Musk-rat.”
“X wasn’t confusing enough,” Musk tweeted at 3 AM, presumably while brainstorming in his meditation chamber powered by Mars dust. “People kept finding the website. That’s not disruptive innovation.”
The acquisition, valued at “three slightly used SpaceX rockets and whatever Dogecoin was worth in the last 15 minutes,” came after Musk reportedly discovered a “buy one social media platform, get one free” coupon that Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg had dropped during their supposed cage match.
“We’re just relieved to stop changing letterheads,” said one anonymous board member, who spoke on condition of anonymity and promised to name their firstborn ‘Elon.’ “Do you know how expensive it is to keep rebranding every time Mr. Musk has a dream about rodents?”
The platform’s new name, “Musk-rat,” allegedly represents what Musk calls “the perfect synthesis of my personal brand and the platform’s ability to survive in any environment, just like our moderation policy.” The iconic blue bird logo will be replaced with what internal documents describe as a “cyberpunk rodent wearing a SpaceX helmet while clutching a cryptocurrency wallet.”
In a press release written entirely in Comic Sans, Musk outlined several groundbreaking features for the rebranded platform. These include “MuskMode,” which automatically ends all tweets with “and that’s why we need to colonize Mars,” regardless of the original content. Users discussing their grandmother’s cookie recipe might find their posts concluding with unexpected space colonization advocacy.
The platform will also introduce “RatChat,” a revolutionary messaging system where messages disappear after reading, “just like Tesla’s autopilot promises,” according to one developer who wished to remain employed. Premium subscribers to the new “Cheese+” tier will gain exclusive access to post tweets in Comic Sans and receive a monthly allocation of “Musk Memes” pre-approved by an AI that’s “definitely not just autonomous hamsters in a server room.”
“Twitter was just my starter social media platform,” Musk declared during a livestreamed announcement from what appeared to be a Tesla Cybertruck stuck in a Boring Company tunnel. “Wait until I buy MySpace. Tom and I have big plans.”
The platform will reportedly run entirely on solar power, except during nights, weekends, and whenever Musk is tweeting, which engineering teams estimate accounts for roughly 73% of all possible operating hours.
In a final bid to attract new users, Musk announced plans to integrate the platform with his brain chip company, Neuralink. “Imagine tweeting with just your thoughts,” Musk explained, apparently unaware that this is precisely what users have been doing all along, much to everyone’s dismay.
When asked about potential regulatory concerns, Musk responded with a meme of a rat wearing his face, captioned “SEC = Such Entertaining Comedy.”
Join Musk-rat today using promotional code “RATIFICATION2024” for a free trial of Cheese+ and experience what Musk calls “the future of social media, or at least the future of my tax write-offs.” The platform promises to revolutionize online communication, one confused user at a time.
At press time, Musk was reportedly in talks to acquire LinkedIn, stating, “Professional networking needs more memes about Mars.” The LinkedIn board of directors has begun preemptively changing their letterhead.
