In a move that surprised literally no one familiar with the concept of time, the Federal Reserve announced another interest rate hike this week. This time, they cranked the dial to “economy on simmer,” sending shockwaves through the stock market (of boredom) and causing Americans to collectively clench their already-clenched fists.
“We understand these rate hikes may cause some minor inconveniences,” said Jerome “The Rate Hiker” Powell, Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System, in a press conference held beside a roaring fireplace and a crystal decanter of what could only be described as “important-looking liquid.” “But sometimes, adulting is hard. You can’t just keep swiping that credit card without consequences, America. It’s time to learn some fiscal responsibility.”
Economists, those delightfully eccentric fortune tellers of the financial world, were quick to chime in with their own, equally unhelpful, explanations. “By raising interest rates,” explained Professor Milton Moneyshot of the Institute for Really Expensive Things, “we’re essentially putting the brakes on the runaway train that is the American economy. Except, instead of brakes, we’re using wet socks. It’s not ideal, but hey, it gets the job done… eventually.”
Meanwhile, on Main Street, America, the average citizen was busy trying to figure out how to explain the concept of “disposable income” to their children. “Look, honey,” sighed a harried-looking parent while trying to decide between generic cereal and actual cardboard, “the Fed is just trying to teach us a valuable lesson about delayed gratification. Like, how that new iPhone can wait until next year, okay?”
The effects of these ever-increasing interest rates are as predictable as a rom-com meet-cute. Aspiring homeowners are left staring longingly at “For Sale” signs, their dreams of a white picket fence replaced by visions of a slightly-less-beige apartment complex. College students, already drowning in debt, are now considering taking out additional loans just to afford ramen noodles. And don’t even get us started on the plight of the millennial avocado toast enthusiast. Apparently, smashed dreams are now the hottest brunch item.
But fear not, America! The Fed has a solution for everything, even the very problems they themselves create. To help Americans cope with the rising cost of living, the esteemed board has released a helpful pamphlet titled: “Budgeting Hacks for the Financially Challenged: Ramen Noodle Recipes and How to Turn Cardboard Boxes into Furniture.”
For those feeling particularly desperate, the Fed also suggests learning a new skill, like juggling flaming chainsaws or underwater basket weaving. Hey, if it gets you on a reality TV show and a lucrative sponsorship deal, who are they to judge?
So, there you have it, folks. Another interest rate hike, another day in paradise. Remember, when life throws you lemons, the Fed suggests making lemonade… with tap water and a single packet of Sweet’N Low. But hey, at least you’ll be an adult! (Sort of.)
Call to Action:
Feeling powerless against the whims of the Federal Reserve? We feel you. That’s why we’re encouraging everyone to join our “Fed-Up” rally this Saturday! We’ll be chanting nonsensical economic slogans, throwing slightly moldy bread at bank buildings (because who can afford fresh bread anymore?), and demanding the Fed finally explain what, in the name of all that is holy, are they doing?
Just remember, folks, even if our protest achieves nothing, at least you’ll get some exercise (because who can afford a gym membership anymore?).
