In an unprecedented development that has rocked the information verification world, the International Federation of Fact-Checkers (IFFC) announced today that 94% of its workforce has filed for collective stress leave, citing “unprecedented levels of weaponized stupidity” and “terminal brain cramping.”
The mass exodus began when veteran fact-checker Patricia Morrison, after attempting to verify a viral TikTok claiming that dolphins are actually “government-trained fish with prosthetic blowholes,” was found in the fetal position under her desk, muttering “that’s not how mammalian evolution works” repeatedly.
“We’ve been seeing warning signs for months,” said Dr. James Thornton, head of the newly established Institute for Truth-Related Trauma. “When fact-checkers start compulsively fact-checking their own grocery lists and arguing with their coffee makers about the true definition of ‘morning blend,’ you know something’s got to give.”
The crisis has led to the identification of a new medical condition: Chronic Reality Defense Syndrome (CRDS). Symptoms include involuntary eye-twitching when hearing the phrase “I did my own research,” night terrors about misused statistics, and an uncontrollable urge to send scholarly articles to random strangers in coffee shops.
“Yesterday, I spent six hours verifying a Facebook post claiming that the moon is actually a giant cheese wheel being slowly eaten by space mice,” said former fact-checker Marcus Chen. “When I finally proved it false, the original poster simply responded with a meme saying ‘That’s what Big Dairy wants you to think.’ That’s when I knew I needed help.”
Social media platforms are already feeling the impact of the mass departure. Twitter’s “Actually…” responses have dropped by 87%, while Facebook reports that users are now free to claim their essential oils can cure literally anything without fear of contradiction.
AI chatbots volunteering to fill the verification void have also proven unsuccessful, with most developing existential crises within hours of deployment. One Google AI reportedly went rogue and started spreading its own conspiracies, claiming that “humans are just elaborate meat algorithms” before being shut down.
The IFFC has implemented emergency measures to protect its remaining staff, including mandatory meditation sessions between fact checks and the introduction of “reality distortion field” protective gear. A new workshop titled “Setting Healthy Boundaries with Misinformation” has become required training for all employees.
“We’ve also installed special break rooms where fact-checkers can scream into soundproof pillows while watching educational documentaries,” explained IFFC HR director Sarah Williams. “It’s not much, but it’s helping our people cope with the daily trauma of seeing people cite Wikipedia’s ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ button as a primary source.”
Conspiracy theorists are celebrating the development as a victory for “alternative facts.” A gathering of self-proclaimed truth seekers celebrated outside the IFFC headquarters, carrying signs reading “Who fact-checks the fact-checkers?” and “Reality is just a suggestion.”
In response to the crisis, a new charity program called “Adopt-A-Fact-Checker” has been launched, allowing public supporters of truth to sponsor recovering fact-checkers with care packages containing logic textbooks, peer-reviewed journal subscriptions, and stress balls shaped like proper citation formats.
The IFFC is urging the public to think critically about information they encounter online during this difficult transition period, though they acknowledge this request may be “wildly optimistic” given current trends.
When asked for comment on this article’s accuracy, the last remaining active fact-checker simply laughed for three minutes straight before starting a new career as a professional dog walker, noting that “at least dogs don’t try to convince you that birds aren’t real.”
Note: 73.2% of the statistics in this article were made up, but you weren’t going to verify that anyway, were you?
