WASHINGTON, D.C. – History was made today as JD Vance was sworn in as the first millennial Vice President of the United States, a landmark event that many have hailed as a victory for a generation that once thought their greatest achievement was convincing their parents that working from home was “still a real job.”
The ceremony, held under the shadow of a carefully curated Instagram-worthy sunrise, saw Vance taking the oath of office on a well-worn copy of Hillbilly Elegy, his bestselling memoir-turned-self-help guide for upper-middle-class guilt. Witnesses report that the moment was interrupted briefly when Vance paused to ask the officiant if this would “get good engagement” on TikTok.
With his inauguration, millennials have finally secured their spot in the political hierarchy, a development that promises sweeping changes to how the White House operates. Or, as one Gen Z congressional intern put it, “We’re all doomed. He’s already started talking about his MySpace page.”
New Era, New Priorities
Upon entering office, Vance wasted no time outlining his vision for America. In his inaugural speech, he promised to “bridge the generational divide” with a series of bold new initiatives. Chief among them? Mandatory Avocado Toast Mondays in the White House cafeteria.
“For too long, the narrative has been that millennials are irresponsible,” Vance declared to a crowd of bemused spectators. “But as your Vice President, I’m here to show that we can balance a national budget, crush it on Duolingo, and still have time to perfect a sourdough starter.”
The avocado toast policy, which sources claim was workshopped during a “vision board session” at an Austin co-working space, has already sparked controversy. Traditionalists argue that it undermines the sanctity of cafeteria classics like burgers and fries. Boomers in Congress reportedly demanded a bipartisan review to determine whether avocado toast qualifies as “fancy foreign food.”
White House staff, however, are less concerned about the menu and more worried about the logistical nightmare. “We’ve already had three senators request gluten-free options, and the avocado supplier is threatening to unionize,” said one exhausted kitchen manager. “This is worse than when they tried to make kale a thing.”
Generational Tensions Brewing
The shift in leadership has not been without its hiccups. Sources inside the West Wing report that the Oval Office has already undergone a “millennial makeover,” featuring a standing desk, a ring light for Zoom meetings, and a motivational poster that reads “Grind Hard, Nap Harder.”
“We’re all just trying to adapt,” said one senior staffer, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “Last week, he asked if we could rebrand the Situation Room as the ‘Vibe Check Room.’”
Meanwhile, critics have accused Vance of pandering to his generation with hollow gestures. His announcement of a Spotify playlist for upcoming diplomatic trips was met with eye-rolls from political analysts, who noted that his “Negotiation Bangers” playlist leaned too heavily on early 2000s emo.
Even Congress is feeling the strain. During a heated budget negotiation, Vance reportedly attempted to diffuse tensions by offering to Venmo lawmakers $5 for their “pain and suffering.” This led to a standoff with one senator who insisted on being paid in cash.
The Road Ahead
While some see Vance’s rise as a step forward, others worry that his millennial mindset could alienate older generations. His proposal for a national “Student Loan Forgiveness Jubilee,” for instance, has been met with skepticism. Critics argue that it’s little more than a ploy to crowdsource repayment via GoFundMe campaigns.
Despite the backlash, Vance remains optimistic. “Change is hard,” he acknowledged in a press conference. “But so is choosing the perfect filter for your brunch photo. And if we can do that, we can do anything.”
In a closing flourish, Vance announced plans to “revolutionize” foreign policy by introducing a global Slack channel for world leaders, complete with custom emojis to “streamline diplomacy” and “keep things fun.” Early reports suggest this initiative has already hit a snag, with several countries complaining about Vance’s excessive use of the 😬 emoji.
A Toast to the Future
As the dust settles on this avocado-stained chapter of American politics, one thing is clear: JD Vance’s tenure as Vice President will either heal the generational divide or deepen it with every artisanal latte brewed in the West Wing.
For now, Americans can only watch and wait—and perhaps consider investing in avocado futures. After all, if millennials have taught us anything, it’s that the only thing more powerful than hope is a perfectly ripened avocado.
Stay tuned for the next chapter in this generational saga, or, as Vance might say, “Please like and subscribe.”
