Kash Patel Unveils ‘Top Secret’ Documents? Wikipedia what?

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking exposé that has left the intelligence community somewhere between baffled and deeply, deeply tired, former Trump administration official Kash Patel has once again thrust himself into the national security conversation—this time by dramatically unveiling what he called “top secret classified intel” that, upon closer inspection, was just a printout of a Wikipedia page.

The document, which Patel held aloft like a medieval monk revealing a lost gospel, was later confirmed to be an outdated, barely legible printout of the Wikipedia entry for the Central Intelligence Agency, complete with hyperlinked citations, the standard “[citation needed]” tags, and a footer noting that the page had last been edited by a user named “PatriotEagle1776.”

A ‘Blockbuster’ Revelation

Speaking at an impromptu press conference outside a Dunkin’ Donuts in suburban Virginia, Patel insisted the document contained bombshell revelations that “the Deep State doesn’t want you to see.”

“This right here—this is real intelligence, folks,” Patel declared, dramatically waving the stapled, ink-smudged pages. “This isn’t some fake news story from the mainstream media. This is unfiltered truth, straight from the archives of—” he paused to squint at the page “—a little-known intelligence site called… Wikipedia.org.”

Patel then attempted to highlight “top secret” passages but was visibly confused by the presence of footnotes, occasionally reading them out loud as if they were part of the classified dossier. At one point, he dramatically whispered, “Guys, did you know the CIA was founded in 1947? Nineteen forty-seven.”

A reporter pointed out that this was, in fact, widely known information.

“So you admit the Deep State is leaking intelligence,” Patel shot back.

‘Declassified’ or Just ‘Downloaded’?

While Patel continued his national security cosplay, sources close to the former Trump official revealed that the document had been printed at a local FedEx Office after Patel “forgot his printer was out of ink.” An employee at the print shop, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that Patel had asked them to “make it look extra official” and seemed “very impressed” when they used the staple function.

“He also asked me if I could print it in a way that made it look like it had a ‘CONFIDENTIAL’ watermark on it,” said the employee. “I told him to just hold it up to a lamp, but I don’t think he got it.”

Still Classified, If You Squint Hard Enough

Despite overwhelming evidence that the document is just a poorly formatted online article, Patel remains steadfast in his claim that it holds “undeniable proof” of government corruption.

“They don’t want you to know this,” Patel said, jabbing at the printout, unaware that his thumb was covering a citation to an article from People Magazine. “This is why they keep trying to silence me. They’re scared of what I know. And now that I’ve got these classified docs, they’re probably watching me right now.”

Patel then dramatically looked over his shoulder, presumably expecting to see FBI agents in tactical gear. Instead, he was met with a confused squirrel digging through a nearby trash can.

Supporters Rally Behind ‘The Truth’

Despite the document’s obviously non-classified origins, Patel’s supporters have hailed it as “the biggest leak since Edward Snowden.”

“I mean, sure, the Deep State wants you to think it’s just Wikipedia,” said one man wearing a STOP THE STEAL t-shirt and aviator sunglasses indoors. “But if that’s the case, then why would Wikipedia let you edit it? That’s suspicious as hell. Seems like Kash is on to something.”

Meanwhile, Patel has vowed to release even more “declassified” materials, teasing upcoming revelations that reportedly include an “FBI surveillance document” (actually an article from Cracked.com) and a “Pentagon strategy report” (which, upon closer examination, is just the instruction manual for Risk).

Call to Action: America Must Stay Vigilant

As Patel continues his tireless efforts to expose whatever it is he thinks he’s exposing, Americans are left with only one choice: remain vigilant.

For those seeking further information, Patel has encouraged the public to visit his new website, which, unfortunately, has already been flagged by Google Chrome as “Not Secure.”