MIAMI, FL — In what experts are calling the most efficient career move in sports history, soccer legend Lionel Messi announced his retirement from professional football Tuesday afternoon, only to dramatically un-retire approximately 3.7 minutes later, setting a new world record for shortest athletic retirement.
The emotional rollercoaster began at 2:15 PM EST during a hastily organized press conference at Inter Miami’s DRV PNK Stadium, where Messi, fighting back tears, declared his intention to “finally hang up the boots and focus on playing as myself in FIFA.”
“After careful consideration, lasting several minutes, I feel it’s time to step away from the beautiful game,” Messi announced to a room of journalists who were still frantically connecting to the WiFi. “I want to spend more time with my family, my PlayStation, and my collection of unopened Gatorade bottles from various sponsorship deals.”
However, the retirement announcement took an unexpected turn when Messi’s phone buzzed mid-sob with a notification from his banking app, indicating a 0.001% drop in merchandise sales. Witnesses report seeing the Argentine superstar’s eyes widen as he quickly calculated the potential impact on his children’s upcoming space tourism expenses.
“Actually, you know what? I still have more to give,” Messi declared at 2:18:42 PM, smoothly transitioning from wiping tears to signing a new contract that materialized from thin air. “My passion for the game has mysteriously reignited in the past 220 seconds.”
The brief retirement sparked chaos across the soccer world. Three separate Saudi Arabian clubs reportedly drafted billion-dollar offers before Messi finished his initial retirement sentence. Meanwhile, David Beckham was seen panic-ordering 100,000 “Farewell Leo” t-shirts, only to immediately list them as “limited edition collector’s items” on eBay.
“This might be the most efficient mid-life crisis ever documented,” noted Dr. Sarah Wilson, a leading sports psychologist. “Most athletes take weeks or months to realize they miss the game. Messi has revolutionized the retirement-regret pipeline.”
Teams across the globe barely had time to post their “Thank you, Leo” tribute videos, with many social media managers still adding dramatic slow-motion effects when the un-retirement announcement dropped. Barcelona’s official Twitter account reportedly gained and lost verification status twice in the confusion.
“I didn’t even have time to start writing my farewell Instagram post,” admitted teammate Jordi Alba, still holding a phone with 47 empty draft posts. “I was still choosing between ‘brother’ and ‘legend’ as the opening word when he came back.”
Inter Miami CF has already announced plans to capitalize on the historic moment, releasing a “Limited Edition 3.7-Minute Retirement” merchandise collection, including countdown timers preset to exactly 3 minutes and 42 seconds – the official duration of Messi’s retirement.
Fans can now pre-order tickets for Messi’s next retirement ceremony, tentatively scheduled for next month, with the option to purchase an all-access pass to retirement ceremonies C through Z. The “Messi Retirement World Tour” commemorative NFT collection is also available for purchase, featuring digital artwork of all zero seconds he spent actually retired.
As of press time, Messi was reportedly considering another retirement announcement, though sources suggest he may try to break his previous record with a sub-2-minute performance. Betting odds are already available on multiple sports books for the exact duration of his next retirement, with the under being heavily favored.
Fans interested in witnessing future retirement ceremonies are encouraged to follow Messi’s new TikTok channel, “RetirementReels,” where he plans to post daily 3.7-second retirement announcements, each sponsored by a different crypto company.
