BREAKING: Love Trumps All – Secret Romance Between Political Titans Rocks Nation
WASHINGTON — In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the political establishment, sources close to former President Donald Trump and Vice President Kamala Harris have confirmed what conspiracy theorists never even dared to imagine: a clandestine romance that explains years of supposedly heated political rivalry.
According to White House insiders speaking on condition of anonymity because they were “literally still processing this,” the first signs emerged when security cameras captured Trump attempting to scale the Naval Observatory fence at 3 AM, clutching what appeared to be a poorly wrapped gift basket from Trump Winery and a handmade sign reading “Let’s Make America Date Again.”
“At first, we thought it was just another typical night in Washington,” said Secret Service agent John Martinez, who has since requested a transfer to Antarctica. “But then we noticed the hearts drawn all over his briefing papers during intelligence meetings. And they weren’t the usual hearts with his name in them.”
The romance blossomed during a particularly heated Senate hearing, where what observers mistook for intense political animosity was, according to body language expert Dr. Sarah Chen, “classic kindergarten-style flirting.”
“The way he kept interrupting her? Textbook. And her eye rolls? Straight out of a rom-com,” explained Dr. Chen, who has since abandoned her career to become a professional political matchmaker. “In retrospect, all those ‘fake news’ accusations were just his way of passing notes in class.”
Sources from Mar-a-Lago revealed that Trump had instructed his chef to perfect Harris’s favorite dishes, leading to a new menu item called “Kamala’s Prosecutorial Pasta.” Meanwhile, the Vice President’s staff reported finding draft tweets on her phone reading “Covfefe means ‘I love you’ in Trump speak” which was never posted.
The relationship has thrown both political parties into unprecedented chaos. Democrats and Republicans have been seen wandering Capitol Hill in a daze, muttering about “star-crossed lovers” and “the greatest political plot twist since Hamilton.”
“I always wondered why she laughed at such inappropriate moments,” said a Democratic strategist who requested anonymity to avoid being invited to their eventual wedding. “Turns out she was just reading his texts under the table.”
Former Vice President Mike Pence has reportedly formed a support group for “politically abandoned running mates.” At the same time, President Biden was overheard asking his staff if this meant he needed to give Trump a father-of-the-bride speech.
The couple’s attempts at discretion included coding their phone contacts as “My Little Mango King” and “Madam Heartbeat,” though their cover was blown when Trump accidentally used his pet name for Harris during a Truth Social rant about election fraud.
When reached for comment, both camps issued suspiciously identical statements: “This is fake news propagated by the radical [opposite party] to distract from the real issues facing America.” The identical wording only served to fuel speculation about their shared Google Docs account.
Political analysts are now scrambling to rewrite history books, suggesting that their entire public feud was an elaborate courting ritual. “It’s like Pride and Prejudice meets House of Cards,” explained one historian, who has already secured a book deal titled “From Border Wall to Wedding Hall: A Political Love Story.”
In response to the scandal, a new dating app called “Political Opposites Attract” has launched, promising to match users across party lines. Its tagline: “If they can do it, so can you.”
At press time, sources confirmed that Trump was seen practicing writing “Donald Harris” in various fonts on his executive order drafts, while Harris had begun ending her speeches with “Make America Love Again.”
[Editor’s Note: This article is satire. Any resemblance to actual romance is purely coincidental, though we admit it would explain a lot.]
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