NEW YORK—In response to alarming statistics showing declining brand loyalty among Gen Z consumers, advertising agency Sign-teria unveiled its groundbreaking “Possession Package” Tuesday, promising to transform casual shoppers into supernaturally devoted brand ambassadors through the power of actual demonic possession.
“Traditional engagement metrics are dead—literally,” said Sign-teria CEO Maria Ramirez while levitating slightly above her Herman Miller office chair. “In today’s competitive marketplace, brands need customers who are more than just loyal. They need customers who are legally and spiritually bound to their products for all eternity.”
The innovative marketing solution, which combines traditional billboard advertising with ancient ritualistic practices, has already shown promising results during its beta testing phase. Early adopter BeanzCoffee reported a 400% increase in sales after customers found themselves physically unable to walk past their stores without making a purchase.
“I haven’t slept in 666 days because I’m too busy drinking BeanzCoffee’s new Hellfire Roast,” said customer Sarah Chen, her eyes glowing an unnaturally bright brand-compliant Pantone color. “Must… consume… more… BeanzCoffee…” she added before inexplicably speaking in tongues that sounded suspiciously like the company’s latest jingle.
The Possession Package comes in three tiers: Basic Haunting, Premium Possession, and Enterprise Ethereal. Each level offers increasingly intense customer engagement solutions, with the Enterprise tier including full corporate soul-binding and complementary curse removal insurance.
“Our Brand Binding Ritual™ ensures customer retention rates that traditional marketing simply can’t match,” explained Sign-teria’s Chief Spiritual Officer, Dr. James Montgomery, while arranging mysterious sigils on a conference room whiteboard. “Once our Corporate Conjurers complete the ceremony, customers literally can’t stop thinking about your brand. We’re talking 100% share of mind—and soul.”
However, the revolutionary approach has not been without its critics. The Better Business Bureau recently created a new category for “Metaphysical Marketing Mishaps” after receiving complaints about possessed customers camping outside stores and speaking exclusively in corporate slogans.
“We need to consider the ethical implications of supernatural marketing techniques,” said Dr. Rebecca Wong, professor of Paranormal Business Ethics at Columbia University. “Although you can’t argue with the ROI—our research shows possessed customers spend an average of 666% more than their non-possessed counterparts.”
Sign-teria has also faced regulatory challenges, with the FDA launching an investigation into whether brand possession should be classified as a mind-altering substance. The agency’s spokesperson declined to comment, citing an inability to stop purchasing products from Sign-teria’s clients.
Despite the controversy, Sign-teria continues to expand its offerings. The company recently announced its upcoming “Generational Curse Marketing™” service, designed to ensure brand loyalty across multiple reincarnations.
“Side effects are minimal and generally limited to speaking in jingles, compulsive purchasing, and occasional levitation,” assured Sign-teria’s legal team in a 666-page disclaimer. “Any resemblance to actual demonic possession is purely coincidental and supernaturally binding.”
For brands interested in exploring supernatural customer engagement solutions, Sign-teria is hosting a webinar next week titled “Beyond Demographics: Targeting Customer Souls.” The event will be simultaneously broadcast in both the earthly realm and the astral plane.
At press time, this reporter found herself unexpectedly purchasing fourteen BeanzCoffee gift cards while chanting the company’s Q3 earnings report. Sign-teria’s PR team could not be reached for comment, as they were allegedly busy performing an exorcism on a focus group that had become too engaged with a competitor’s brand.
For more information, interested parties can contact Sign-teria’s offices during regular business hours (3:00 AM – 666 PM) or summon their sales team through traditional ritualistic means. Terms, conditions, and soul ownership transfer agreements apply.
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