Baja California Sur beach — A monstrous, eel-like creature measuring nearly 15 feet long washed up on the shores of Baja this morning, sending locals into a frenzy of apocalyptic speculation. However, the excitement was quickly put to rest when a government spokesperson confidently reassured the public that it was “probably just a really ugly dolphin.”
The oarfish, a deep-sea dweller often associated with folklore predicting earthquakes, tsunamis, and the general downfall of civilization, lay motionless on the beach as a growing crowd gathered around. Eyewitnesses described a range of emotional responses, from sheer terror to one guy who immediately began live-streaming while yelling, “This is it! This is the big one!”
“I mean, it looks like something that should not exist,” said local beachgoer Nancy Palmer, clutching her dog, Mr. Pickles, who was also visibly distressed. “I saw on Facebook that oarfish sightings mean an earthquake is coming. My cousin’s friend’s brother knew a guy who saw one a week before a 7.0 quake in Japan. That’s all the scientific evidence I need.”
Despite the mounting hysteria, a government representative, Todd Reynolds, dismissed the concerns at an impromptu press conference held in front of a hastily drawn ‘NO PANIC ZONE’ sign.
“Folks, let’s all take a deep breath. What we have here is nothing more than a very unfortunate-looking dolphin. Happens all the time. The ocean’s a weird place,” Reynolds said, sipping from a coffee mug that read “Trust Me, I Work for the Government.”
Reporters pressed Reynolds on whether officials would investigate any possible seismic implications of the discovery. “I’m not saying there won’t be an earthquake. I’m just saying if there is, it will have nothing to do with this thing,” he clarified. “Correlation is not causation. Besides, fish don’t have degrees in geology.”
Meanwhile, social media platforms exploded with speculation, with #DoomsdayFish and #We’reAllGonnaDie trending within minutes. One particularly viral post suggested that the oarfish was, in fact, the reincarnation of an ancient sea deity, returning to warn humanity of impending doom—though the theory was quickly debunked when a seagull attempted to eat the fish’s eyeball.
Marine biologists, who were not consulted by the government before Reynolds’ dolphin theory was announced, issued their own statement: “Yes, it’s an oarfish. No, it’s not a dolphin. No, it does not mean the world is ending, though we agree that 2024 has been weird enough to make that a valid concern.”
As public panic grew, some residents took extreme precautions. One man reportedly broke his lease, saying, “There’s no point paying rent if we’re all going down in the Big Quake.” Another began handing out homemade “REPENT” flyers, while a local doomsday prepper took to Craigslist to sell “Earthquake Survival Kits” consisting of duct tape, a flashlight, and a single can of beans for $99.
Despite the chaos, town officials maintained their position that the situation was under control. “If this was truly a bad omen, we would have received an official notice from FEMA or at least an email from the Illuminati,” Reynolds added. “Until then, let’s all relax and enjoy a lovely day at the beach.”
As the sun set, the oarfish remained sprawled lifelessly on the sand, looking increasingly less ominous and more like something that had simply made an unfortunate navigational error. However, just as officials were preparing to remove the carcass, another oarfish reportedly washed up on the opposite side of town, this one suspiciously positioned next to a piece of driftwood that resembled a doomsday clock.
At press time, Reynolds was seen Googling “difference between dolphins and fish” before issuing a follow-up statement: “Look, even if these things do predict disasters, I think we can all agree the economy is a bigger threat right now.”
Experts agree that while oarfish sightings are fascinating, they are not necessarily indicative of impending doom—at least not the kind people expect. “The real disaster,” one scientist noted, “is that people will believe a Twitter thread before they believe years of marine biology research.”
