Political Ads Announce Candidate is ‘For the People,’ but Not ‘The People’ in Their District

LOCAL CANDIDATE PROUDLY ‘FOR THE PEOPLE,’ JUST NOT THESE SPECIFIC PEOPLE HERE

SPRINGFIELD, IL — In a groundbreaking campaign announcement Monday, congressional candidate Jane Smith unveiled her bold new slogan “For ALL The People,” while simultaneously taking extraordinary measures to avoid any contact with actual residents of Illinois’ 14th district.

“My commitment to The People knows no bounds,” Smith declared via hologram at a town hall meeting held at 3 AM in an abandoned warehouse strategically located just outside district lines. “Which is precisely why I cannot limit myself by interacting with the specific people who live here.”

Campaign manager David Wilson defended the candidate’s innovative approach to constituent avoidance, noting that meeting real voters might create an unfair bias toward local issues. “Jane Smith is running a campaign for everyone, everywhere – except, of course, the 750,000 residents of IL-14, who frankly seem a bit needy with all their ‘local concerns’ and ‘community issues.'”

The campaign’s commitment to representing theoretical rather than actual constituents is evident in their latest TV ad, which features Smith walking down a bustling main street that was later revealed to be a digitally altered scene from a 1987 movie set in Saskatchewan. When questioned about this choice, Wilson explained, “We felt using actual footage from the district might alienate our core demographic of people who don’t live here.”

Smith’s innovative voter outreach program includes “selective listening tours” where she visits exclusively vacant buildings during peak business hours. Her campaign website prominently features stock photos from at least seven different countries, none of which are the United States.

“We’re particularly proud of our constituent services program,” said Communications Director Sarah Chen, demonstrating their new automated system that marks all emails from district residents as spam. “This allows us to focus on our target audience: people who cannot legally vote in this election.”

The campaign recently celebrated securing endorsements from a group of Norwegian cruise ship directors and three Australian kangaroos. “These endorsements really speak to the universal appeal of our message,” Smith noted via a pre-recorded message played at a press conference held 200 miles outside district boundaries.

In a moment of clarity during a private fundraiser hosted in a different time zone, Smith’s team released an updated definition of their slogan’s key demographic. “When we say ‘The People,’ we’re specifically referring to future theoretical residents who might move here after current ones are priced out,” explained Policy Director Mark Thompson. “We’re playing the long game here.”

The campaign’s commitment to avoiding actual constituents reached new heights last week when Smith’s office relocated to a blimp perpetually hovering above district airspace. “You can’t get more accessible than being literally above everyone,” Wilson noted while adjusting the blimp’s altitude to maintain optimal voter distance.

Looking ahead, Smith’s campaign announced their biggest event yet: a town hall meeting to be held in a parallel dimension where the district’s actual residents don’t exist. “This will finally allow us to connect with The People™ without the distracting presence of local voters,” Wilson explained.

The campaign closed out the week by updating their slogan to include fine print: “For The People™ (Terms and conditions apply, void where constituents actually live).” When reached for comment, actual district residents expressed confusion, but Smith’s team assured them that was exactly the point.

At press time, Smith was reportedly polling highest among people who had never heard of her, lived nowhere near the district, or existed purely in theoretical focus groups.