A Shocking New Revelation About the State of American Democracy
In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make Orwell blush, a new poll by the highly-respected Institute for Stuff We Made Up (ISWMMU) reveals a startling truth about the American electorate. A whopping 60% of Americans surveyed declared their unwavering belief in the principles of democracy! However, before you dust off your liberty bells and break out the confetti cannons, there’s a slight… wrinkle. It seems Americans have a very specific definition of democracy, one that resembles a choose-your-own-adventure novel authored by a toddler fueled solely on pixie sticks and political punditry.
The poll delves deeper, revealing a fascinating breakdown of what democracy truly means to the American public. 65% of respondents believe in free speech, as long as it aligns perfectly with their own beliefs. 72% champion the right to vote, but only if the outcome favors their preferred candidate (and their candidate only). The concept of a peaceful transfer of power elicited confused stares and mumbled something about “rigged elections.”
So, what exactly is this mythical “good kind” of democracy Americans are so enamored with? Think of a government that operates with the efficiency of a well-oiled dictatorship, but with the warm, fuzzy feeling of electing a mascot for leader. We’re talking a system where everyone has a say, as long as they say exactly what the elected mascot wants to hear. A place where dissent is swiftly extinguished with the gentle caress of a tax audit.
“We basically want all the benefits of a democracy, without any of the pesky messiness,” explained poll participant Mildred Frumpington, clutching a worn copy of “Atlas Shrugged” and a suspicious amount of red M&Ms. “Democracy is great, as long as it agrees with me and doesn’t inconvenience anyone I like.”
Politicians, naturally, are capitalizing on this bizarre public sentiment. Campaign slogans now resemble used car commercials: “Buy My Democracy Package! Free Elections Included (Terms and Conditions Apply).” One particularly enterprising candidate even promised a “Democracy Lite” program, offering all the democratic trimmings without the pesky requirement of actually governing.
This love affair with a fictionalized democracy raises a troubling question: what happens when reality doesn’t conform to this manufactured dream? Will Americans throw a tantrum and demand a recount of history? Will they storm the Capitol with demands for a leader with better hair and catchphrases?
The answer, dear reader, is most likely yes. In the meantime, perhaps we can all take comfort in the knowledge that at least 60% of Americans still (sort of) believe in democracy. Even if their definition wouldn’t be recognized by the Founding Fathers, at least they haven’t completely forgotten the word exists.
Call to Action: As a concerned citizen committed to the real, messy kind of democracy, we urge you to do your part. Vote, even if you don’t like either candidate (it’s a protest!). Call your elected officials and politely (or not so politely) remind them their job is to represent your interests. Finally, boycott all reality TV shows that promise “democracy with drama.” Because let’s face it, genuine democracy is already dramatic enough, thank you very much.
