In a world where productivity apps keep pestering you to actually do things, one revolutionary company has dared to ask: “What if your phone could waste time for you?”
Introducing SELF-PROCRASTINATING APP™, the world’s first AI-powered productivity prevention system that handles all your procrastination needs. Say goodbye to the exhausting effort of manually avoiding your responsibilities!
“I used to spend hours thinking up creative ways to dodge my tasks,” says Sarah Chen, a self-described professional task-avoider. “Between reorganizing my sock drawer and watching YouTube videos about how watches work, I was burning out from all the effort of not doing anything. Then I discovered SELF-PROCRASTINATING APP™, and now I don’t even have to try!”
This groundbreaking app utilizes cutting-edge Smart Delay™ Technology that learns your preferred procrastination patterns and automatically implements them. Simply input your tasks, and watch in amazement as our AI systematically finds increasingly sophisticated ways to put them off.
“Our revolutionary Excuse Generator Pro feature has transformed the art of avoiding responsibility,” explains Chief Procrastination Officer Tom Martinez, who joined our interview 45 minutes late. “Need to delay that project deadline? Our AI can generate excuses so convincing, even you’ll believe them! From ‘My pet goldfish is going through an existential crisis’ to ‘Mercury is in retrograde in my productivity sector,’ we’ve got you covered.”
The app’s Productivity Blackhole™ feature uses advanced algorithms to curate an endless stream of distracting content perfectly tailored to your interests. “Just when you might accidentally start being productive, our app swoops in with a three-hour compilation of baby pandas sneezing,” Martinez adds, before getting distracted by said compilation.
SELF-PROCRASTINATING APP™ comes with an intuitive interface designed to be as non-productive as possible. The loading screen alone has been scientifically engineered to waste at least 20 minutes of your time, featuring a progress bar that occasionally moves backwards.
The premium subscription, priced at just $9.99 per month (billing perpetually delayed), includes additional features like the Guilt Suppression Algorithm that uses pseudo-scientific explanations to rationalize your procrastination, and a built-in social network where you can not meet up with other procrastinators.
“This app is proudly endorsed by me, Morgan Freeman*,” states our marketing material. (*Disclaimer: Not actually endorsed by Morgan Freeman – he’s been meaning to respond to our requests but hasn’t gotten around to it yet. We’re sure he’ll get back to us any day now.)
Early access to SELF-PROCRASTINATING APP™ begins tomorrow (or whenever we get around to finishing development). Installation is simple: Step 1: We’ll fill this in later Step 2: TBD Step 3: Success! (pending)
The app has already garnered rave reviews from users who haven’t quite gotten around to using it yet. “I’m definitely going to download it tomorrow,” promises Mark Thompson, a potential user since 2023. “Or maybe next week. We’ll see.”
For customer support, simply submit a ticket, and our team will get back to you eventually. Probably. Maybe. We’re working on it.
Don’t wait to start procrastinating! Actually, do wait – that’s kind of the whole point. Download SELF-PROCRASTINATING APP™ tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever you feel like it. No rush.
Note: This article was supposed to be published three months ago, but we only just got around to it.
