In a shocking turn of events that has left fans scrambling for their Eggo waffles, Netflix has announced an indefinite delay in production of Stranger Things season 5. Apparently, the once-adorable gang of Hawkins, Indiana, has encountered a most unwelcome monster: puberty.
According to a hastily issued press release (written in a font suspiciously reminiscent of a kindergarten spelling bee certificate), “unforeseen circumstances related to cast development” have necessitated the delay. Sources close to the Upside Down, however, reveal a more unsettling truth: the kids just aren’t kids anymore.
Let’s face it, folks. Eleven, once a pint-sized powerhouse with a shaved head and a vocabulary consisting mostly of “Eggo” and “Eleven,” is now rocking a full head of hair and enough sass to rival Winona Ryder in her prime. Finn Wolfhard, who once delivered heart-melting monologues with a prepubescent squeak, now possesses a voice that could shatter Demogorgon skulls with a single baritone note.
“Frankly, it’s a logistical nightmare,” confessed Dr. Bartholomew Clocktower, a leading expert in the highly specialized field of Teenage-Looking-Teenager Studies. “Millie Bobby Brown has grown a full foot since season one. How do you film a scene where she’s hiding in a closet meant for a hobbit when she’s practically taller than David Harbour?”
Dr. Clocktower went on to detail the elaborate (and frankly, disturbing) solutions being considered: prosthetics to shrink Brown down to size, a special effects team dedicated to digitally erasing growth spurts, and a strict diet of pixie sticks and lukewarm milk to stunt further development.
The implications for the plot are equally disconcerting. Time jumps have been rumored, potentially propelling our heroes into the dizzying world of college applications and existential angst. Imagine Dustin struggling with finals instead of dart, or Eleven navigating the treacherous social landscape of a cafeteria instead of battling the Mind Flayer.
Naturally, the internet has erupted in a symphony of outrage. Petitions demanding an immediate release have garnered millions of signatures. One enterprising fan even launched a GoFundMe campaign to “de-age” the cast using experimental time travel technology (a technology, it should be noted, that currently exists only in the fever dreams of Stranger Things writers).
But perhaps the most heartbreaking response came from Millie Bobby Brown herself. In a tearful interview with Jimmy Kimmel (during a segment hilariously titled “Where Did All the Children Go?”), Brown confessed, “I just want to play a normal teenager for once. Is that too much to ask? A boy band obsession and a crippling fear of math class? Is that so much to ask?!”
So, what’s the future of Stranger Things? Will we ever see our heroes vanquish the Upside Down, conquer high school, and maybe even graduate? Only time (and a whole lot of anti-aging cream) will tell.
In the meantime, fans may have to face a harsh reality: the kids from Hawkins are all grown up now. Perhaps it’s time for a new spin-off series: Stranger Things: Middle-Aged and Confused. Featuring our favorite characters grappling with mortgages, retirement plans, and the existential dread of realizing they’ve peaked in high school. Just a thought, Netflix.
