SUNRISE, CA – In a groundbreaking study that threatens to unravel the very fabric of our societal fabric (and definitely ruffle some very fluffy bathrobes), researchers at the Institute for the Study of Excessively Perky Individuals (ISEPI) have unearthed a shocking truth: morning people are simply evening people who, at some point in their lives, tragically lost the will to live.
The study, titled “Dawn’s Embrace: A Psychological Exploration of Pre-Sunrise Enthusiasm,” delves into the psyche of those who greet the rising sun with anything other than a grimace and a desperate prayer for five more minutes. Led by Dr. Perpetua Upbeat, a researcher so relentlessly positive she’s rumored to have a personal photosynthesis unit powering her internal sunshine, the study paints a disturbing picture of the morning person.
“It’s not productivity that drives them,” Dr. Upbeat explains, her voice chipper enough to shatter crystal. “It’s despair. They wake up before dawn, not to conquer the day, but to outrun the crushing existential dread that only darkness can harbor.”
The study outlines the telltale signs of a surrendered night owl. The pre-dawn jogs in matching neon athleisure? A desperate attempt to outrun the creeping nihilism that lurks just beyond the horizon. The meticulously crafted smoothie bowls overflowing with kale and goji berries? A feeble attempt to compensate for the slow, agonizing death of their inner rockstar.
Further evidence comes from the rampant social media trend of “Sunrise Selfies,” where morning people document their dewy-faced, impossibly awake existence. “These are not victory laps,” Dr. Upbeat cautions. “They’re cries for help. They’re desperate pleas from individuals trapped in a waking nightmare of chirping birds and to-do lists.”
The ISEPI study doesn’t stop at mere observation. It offers a chilling solution: reawaken the night owl within the morning person. The proposed protocol involves a rigorous schedule of late-night Netflix binges, copious amounts of comfort food delivered straight to bed, and mandatory participation in karaoke nights (because what better way to scream into the void than belting out a power ballad at 2 am?).
While the study’s methods may seem unorthodox, one early adopter, Barry “Sunshine” Summers, swears by them. “I used to wake up at 4:30 am, write affirmations in a gratitude journal, and do burpees while listening to motivational podcasts,” Barry confesses, his voice raspy from a particularly spirited rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody.” “Now, I sleep in until noon, and my emotional well-being has never been better.”
The ISEPI study has sparked a fierce debate. Critics call it sensationalist and question the ethics of encouraging people to embrace unhealthy sleep habits. But supporters like Barry see it as a beacon of hope, a path back to the land of late-night pizza and unrestrained procrastination.
One thing’s for sure: the battle between the morning larks and the night owls is about to get a whole lot messier. Will the world be a place of forced sunrises and aggressively positive affirmations, or will we reclaim our right to revel in the glorious (and slightly depressing) anonymity of darkness? Only time, and maybe a few well-placed blackout curtains, will tell.
Join the movement! Demand your employer implement a mandatory “Netflix and Chill” break before noon! Fight for the right to sleep in, for the sake of your sanity and the future of joy!
