SILICON VALLEY—In a move that has surprised absolutely no one, America’s top tech billionaires have gathered this week to finalize their plans for the 2024 election, ensuring that by spring, every candidate will have a “Buy Now” button conveniently located next to their name.
“We’re really excited about this new opportunity to disrupt democracy,” said Elon Musk, grinning while simultaneously bidding on three swing-state senators through an app he developed mid-conversation. “By March, we expect full ownership of most candidates. And by full ownership, I mean they’ll be legally obligated to tweet #ThanksElon twice a day. We call it a win-win.”
At the first-ever Democracy Disruptors Summit, hosted in a secret Google-funded yacht off the coast of somewhere no one could afford, tech titans outlined their vision for a streamlined, fully monetized election. Their goal? To turn politics into a sleek, efficient market where candidates are no longer burdened by outdated concepts like “voter concerns” or “public service,” but instead focus on what truly matters: scalable policy initiatives that offer a strong return on investment.
“The old model of democracy was terribly inefficient,” said Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, sipping a latte harvested by one of his latest acquisitions, a fully automated farm that doesn’t yet pay its workers in U.S. dollars—just brand loyalty. “I mean, all these voters making demands? Asking for accountability? That’s the past. We’ve decided that instead of messy campaign trails and debates, candidates should simply be listed on our platforms, where we’ll let algorithms do the voting for you. One click, and you’re done.”
Candidate as a Service (CaaS)
Bezos went on to explain the new political model he’s launching: Candidate as a Service (CaaS), available through Amazon Prime. “It’s a revolutionary approach to governance,” Bezos said. “Why bother with primaries, rallies, or even campaign speeches when you can just subscribe to a candidate and receive monthly updates on how they’re optimizing the future for your convenience?”
Under CaaS, politicians will now be offered in subscription packages. A basic $9.99 tier will get you limited access to healthcare reform promises, while the platinum $29.99 option guarantees faster policy rollouts and the occasional law named after you. For an additional fee, users can even unlock “Ad-Free Government,” meaning legislation will be passed without being interrupted by unsolicited product placements or corporate logos plastered on infrastructure.
“We’re really proud of the Ad-Free feature,” said Mark Zuckerberg, who’s taken a break from developing a VR headset that lets you live in a world where the 2016 election never happened. “Nothing ruins a new tax policy faster than a pop-up ad for Raid Shadow Legends. Now, citizens can enjoy uninterrupted governance in stunning 4K resolution.”
Policies with In-App Purchases
But the innovation doesn’t stop there. Billionaire candidates and their political platforms will now come with in-app purchases, allowing users to buy additional rights or upgrades as they go. Want to unlock universal healthcare? That’s just $14.99, or bundled with free speech for a limited-time offer of $29.99.
“Why settle for the basic package?” asked Musk. “With in-app purchases, you can fully customize your democracy experience. You’ll even be able to personalize how much freedom of the press you want. Want reporters to stop asking you difficult questions? Just swipe left.”
Corporate Sponsorships Take Over
With tech billionaires now firmly in control, political campaigns will no longer need to rely on outdated methods like grassroots support or voter engagement. Instead, campaigns will be sponsored by leading brands, ensuring every debate, rally, and piece of legislation is brought to you by the highest bidder.
During the summit, one senator thanked his sponsors, Verizon and Pepsi, for their support during his speech on climate change—delivered from a stage shaped like a giant Amazon smile. Another candidate unveiled a new tax reform proposal, officially titled the “Tesla Subsidy, Brought to You by SpaceX.”
“We see this as the future of politics,” said an unnamed spokesperson from a PAC funded by several anonymous billionaires who just want “what’s best for America,” coincidentally headquartered in the Cayman Islands. “With corporate sponsorships, we can finally provide politicians with the funding they need to focus on what truly matters: ensuring billionaires don’t pay taxes.”
The End of Voters as We Know Them
As tech billionaires buy up candidates faster than they buy up Twitter knock-offs, the future of voting seems more streamlined than ever before. Zuckerberg has even proposed replacing traditional polling places with VR stations, allowing citizens to vote while still in their pajamas—assuming, of course, they’ve paid for the VR upgrade.
“We’re bringing democracy into the digital age,” Zuckerberg said. “Sure, you may not have as much influence as, say, a billionaire buying their second yacht this year, but you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you participated in the process. Well, kind of.”
So, as the 2024 election approaches, brace yourself for the most user-friendly, billionaire-approved democratic experience ever. Just make sure your credit card is up to date, because in the end, voting may still be free, but governing? That’ll cost you.
