Tesla Introduces New ‘Self-Driving’ Car: Comes with ‘Human Panic Button’

FREMONT, CA – In a move that has redefined the meaning of “self-driving,” Tesla unveiled its newest innovation this week – the Model S Plaid “Co-Pilot,” a revolutionary vehicle that allows even the most technophobic Luddite to experience the thrill (or terror?) of autonomous driving. This groundbreaking advancement boasts a suite of cutting-edge features, including lane-departure warning, automatic emergency braking, and the pièce de résistance – a giant red button labeled “HUMAN PANIC BUTTON” positioned conveniently within arm’s reach of the driver.

“We listened to our customers,” declared Elon Musk, Tesla’s ever-optimistic CEO, at the unveiling. “They crave the freedom of self-driving technology, but some, bless their analog hearts, still harbor a primal fear of rogue AIs taking over the world. The ‘Co-Pilot’ addresses this concern head-on, offering the perfect blend of technological marvel and good old-fashioned human control.”

The “Human Panic Button” itself is a marvel of ergonomic engineering. A large, pulsating red orb adorned with a universally recognized international symbol of distress (a stick figure flailing its arms wildly), the button is strategically placed on the dashboard, within easy reach of even the most beverage-laden driver. A single, desperate press instantly disengages the self-driving software, returning control to the human pilot – a reassuring feature for those moments when the car decides taking a shortcut through a cornfield seems like a perfectly sound decision.

“This is a game-changer,” gushed Dr. Bartholomew McLuddite, a self-proclaimed AI safety expert and noted collector of rotary landline phones. “Finally, a self-driving car acknowledges the inherent limitations of artificial intelligence. Sometimes, only a human’s finely-honed fight-or-flight response can prevent a robot uprising on the highway.”

However, some industry experts remain skeptical. “Isn’t the whole point of self-driving cars to, well, not require constant human intervention?” quipped Penelope Gearshift, a veteran car critic known for her scathing reviews and impressive collection of vintage hubcaps. “This feels less like a technological leap and more like a desperate attempt to appease the easily spooked.”

Indeed, the “Co-Pilot” raises several questions about Tesla’s confidence in its own technology. Is the “Human Panic Button” a tacit admission that the self-driving software isn’t quite there yet? Are these cars essentially high-priced, AI-powered chauffeurs with an emergency eject button for the paranoid passenger? Only time, and a whole lot of brave (or foolhardy) test drivers, will tell.

One thing’s for sure: with the “Co-Pilot,” Tesla has redefined the self-driving experience. Now, even the most nervous technophobe can enjoy the “benefits” of autonomous driving – provided they have lightning-fast reflexes and a healthy dose of skepticism.

So, the next time you’re in the market for a car that drives itself (with the option of a quick and easy human override), head down to your local Tesla dealership. Just don’t forget your stress ball and a good lawyer – you never know when you might need them.