LOS ANGELES—With Hollywood’s horror reboots reaching fever pitch and TikTok’s influence worming its way into every facet of human life, it was only a matter of time before the forces of darkness entered the content creator game. In The Exorcist: The Sequel: The Devil’s New Hobby: TikTok, Hollywood is reimagining demonic possession for the Gen Z generation, where influencers wrestle with the supernatural just as much as with the algorithm.
The film opens with a familiar premise: dark forces lurking in suburban basements. But this time, the basements are decked out in LED lights, and instead of priests chanting incantations, we’ve got teens lip-syncing to Doja Cat and chanting “WitchTok” spells. The Devil, frustrated with his sagging approval ratings in a world that’s already spiraling into moral decay, decides it’s time to join the social media frenzy. After all, why waste time on Ouija boards and cryptic Latin phrases when the entire world is hypnotized by a six-inch screen?
“It was just time,” said Satan in an exclusive interview conducted via DM. “You know, for centuries I’ve been working hard down there in the underworld—spinning heads, making people spew green slime, all the classics. But I looked up one day and thought, ‘Hey, everyone’s doing this themselves now!’ So I figured, if you can’t beat them, join them.”
From Hellfire to Hashtags
After some basic training on hashtags and a quick tutorial on “content creation,” Satan decided to try his hand at TikTok. The Devil quickly learned that while raising the undead was one thing, raising engagement rates was quite another. “I tried a dark, chilling video of me performing a levitation, but it only got 42 likes,” he lamented. “Meanwhile, some guy named @TerryTheTerror is going viral for floating four inches above his bed while holding a Starbucks pumpkin spice latte.”
Despite his shaky start, the Devil wasn’t about to give up. He devised a plan to go viral the modern way: challenges. Satan’s first attempt was #PossessionChallenge, in which followers attempted to take on the symptoms of demonic possession on camera. Unfortunately, people simply thought they were watching clips from a D-list zombie flick, and the tag was promptly flagged as “sensitive content.”
In a last-ditch attempt to win over the youth, Satan tried #SummonTheDevil, a dance challenge that features a choreographed routine involving pentagrams and Gregorian chants, performed to a trap beat. The response? A lukewarm 567 likes. Even the souls of his team started to sag. “I just thought we’d do better with a younger, more demonically-inclined audience,” said his social media manager, Beelzebub. “Guess I’ll have to rewatch that ‘How to Crack TikTok’s Algorithm’ webinar.”
The Devil’s Existential Crisis: Competing With Cats and Cottagecore
As the weeks dragged on, Satan grew despondent. He tried everything to stand out on the app—“summoning challenges,” “haunted dance tutorials,” and a lot of spooky makeup hacks—but every time, the Devil’s posts were buried under cottagecore vlogs, smoothie bowl recipes, and endless “day in the life” videos featuring soothing music and soft sunlight. As TikTok’s endless scroll defeated even the Prince of Darkness, he reached a soul-crushing revelation: apparently, Gen Z finds the banality of life more compelling than anything he could cook up in Hell.
“There was a moment, right around my 56th take of a satanic lip-sync, that I thought, ‘This is it. This is what it all comes down to. Not eternal damnation, not horrifying curses—just endless looping content,’” Satan admitted, while updating his bio to read “#JustAnotherInfluencer.”
Yet, for all his struggles, the Devil couldn’t shake the obsession. “I’ve just started keeping my phone by my throne,” he said. “Whenever the flames of Hell flare up, I can’t help but check my notifications. I got so excited when I saw 6,000 views on my cursed Ouija board tutorial, until I realized they all came from one guy accidentally hitting refresh.”
Satan’s Spiraling Content Creation Frenzy
Determined to break through, Satan doubled down on his strategy, reaching out to influencers across the Underworld. The demons of Lust and Greed joined in for some hastily filmed collaboration videos, where they reviewed the top five “must-have” sin-inspired accessories for TikTokkers. The collabs performed slightly better but left Satan wondering if his niche content was ever going to really resonate with the masses.
Finally, Satan hit rock bottom when he attempted the #CleanTok trend, posting a series of videos showing his servants scrubbing down ancient torture chambers and disinfecting pentagrams. At long last, Satan admitted that he’d finally met his match—not in some holy angel or priest, but in the relentless, unforgiving demand for fresh, optimized content.
Call to Action: Stop the Real Possession
In the end, Satan found himself lost in a haze of trend cycles and dying hashtags, questioning not just his social strategy, but his very existence. As he was last seen mumbling about the merits of “stepping up his content game,” there was one eerie conclusion left for the viewer: maybe we’re all a little too “possessed” by our devices.
So next time you’re scrolling endlessly, just remember: the Devil tried and failed to make it in TikTok. Do you really think you can resist its power?
Or, you know, you could just delete the app and go outside. But nah, we know that’s not going to happen.
