LOS ANGELES—In what experts are calling a groundbreaking advancement in the field of meaningless wealth creation, the Kardashian-Jenner family announced Tuesday the launch of their own cryptocurrency, KardashianCoin, marking the first-ever digital currency backed entirely by Instagram likes and reality show ratings.
The announcement, made via a synchronized interpretive TikTok dance featuring all family members, promises to “democratize being famous for being famous” while offering investors the unique opportunity to lose money in a way that’s “totally cute and, like, Instagram-worthy.”
“We’re literally revolutionizing the way people, like, invest and stuff,” said Kim Kardashian during a press conference where journalists were required to use beauty filters and sign NDAs promising to only use approved crying face emojis in their coverage. “It’s basically the same as regular money, except each coin features one of our iconic ugly-crying moments as an NFT.”
According to the project’s whitepaper, written entirely in emojis and punctuated with “periodt,” KardashianCoin employs a unique “Proof of Drama” consensus mechanism. Users can mine new coins by binge-watching “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” reruns, with hash rates increasing during particularly dramatic episodes involving family feuds or botched botox appointments.
The cryptocurrency’s value is determined by a complex algorithm incorporating Instagram engagement rates, tabloid headlines, and the family’s collective lip filler volume. A special “momager” smart contract automatically diverts 10% of all transactions to Kris Jenner’s digital wallet, a feature she describes as “just being a good businesswoman, sweetie.”
Wall Street analysts have struggled to assess KardashianCoin’s actual value, with leading economist Dr. Jonathan Pierce noting, “It’s the first asset we’ve encountered that’s simultaneously overvalued and completely worthless. Somehow, that makes perfect sense for the Kardashians.”
The launch has sparked a gold rush among other celebrities, with Paris Hilton announcing “That’s Hot Token” and Justin Bieber developing “BieberBucks.” However, cryptocurrency experts warn that the celebrity token space is becoming as crowded as the Kardashians’ walk-in closets.
“The blockchain technology behind KardashianCoin is revolutionary,” explained crypto analyst Sarah Chen. “It’s the first digital ledger that can get lip fillers and requires regular maintenance by a team of beauty influencers to validate transactions.”
Early investors report mixed experiences. “I lost my life savings, but my KardashianCoin wallet is totally aesthetic,” said Tyler Thompson, 22, who traded his entire Bitcoin portfolio for KardashianCoin. “Plus, every time I make a transaction, I get a push notification with beauty tips from Kylie.”
The currency faced its first major crisis yesterday when an unfiltered photo of Kylie was accidentally posted, causing the coin’s value to plummet faster than a Kardashian marriage. The family quickly stabilized the market by announcing three new scandals, two divorce rumors, and a surprise pregnancy.
In a twist that surprised absolutely no one, the entire cryptocurrency venture was revealed to be a storyline for the family’s upcoming Hulu show, “Krypto with the Kardashians.” Kris Jenner somehow still made millions from the failed venture, telling reporters, “The devil works hard, but a momager works harder.”
For those interested in losing money while keeping up with the Kardashians, KardashianCoin is available for purchase using traditional cryptocurrency or soul-crushing regret. Warren Buffett, reached for comment, simply sighed and said, “Finally, an investment strategy as shallow as my swimming pool.”
At press time, the Kardashians were already planning their next venture: a blockchain-based dating app that matches users based on their plastic surgery preferences and ability to turn family drama into profit.
