Third-Party Candidate Announces Platform: ‘I Promise Not to Run for President Again

MANCHESTER, NH — In an unprecedented campaign announcement that has sent shockwaves through the political establishment, third-party candidate Marcus Singleton unveiled his groundbreaking single-promise platform Thursday, pledging to “absolutely, positively never run for president again” if elected.

“My fellow Americans, I stand before you today with the most honest campaign promise in political history,” Singleton declared to a crowd of increasingly intrigued voters at his campaign launch. “Unlike my opponents who promise everything from lower taxes to solving climate change, I promise just one thing: you’ll never have to see my face after my term ends. Not in campaign ads, not in cable news interviews, not even in those weird political documentaries Netflix keeps making.”

The bold strategy has resonated with voters weary of career politicians, with recent polling showing Singleton surging to 23% among Americans who describe themselves as “completely done with this whole thing.” His “One and Done” super PAC, funded entirely by citizens who want politicians to permanently go away, has already raised millions.

Singleton’s campaign website features nothing but a countdown clock to the end of his theoretical term and a legally binding contract promising to “fuck off into obscurity” immediately after leaving office. The site’s only button reads “Click here to make me go away forever (after four years).”

Political analysts are struggling to attack a candidate whose primary qualification is his commitment to future irrelevance. “How do you criticize someone who openly admits they probably shouldn’t be in politics?” asked veteran strategist James Carver. “It’s like trying to fact-check someone who begins every sentence with ‘I might be totally wrong, but…'”

The candidate’s “No Second Chances Tour” has drawn surprisingly large crowds, with supporters wielding signs reading “Singleton 2024: The Last Political Ad You’ll Ever See From Me” and wearing T-shirts featuring countdown timers to his political retirement.

When pressed about his stance on critical issues, Singleton maintained his refreshingly vague position. “Look, we all know campaign promises are usually BS,” he explained while deliberately shrugging. “So instead of pretending I have all the answers, I’m just promising to give the job my mediocre best and then disappear forever. Think of me as a substitute teacher for democracy.”

The strategy has proven so successful that other candidates are scrambling to match his commitment to future obscurity, creating a paradoxical race of politicians competing to quit politics faster. One rival candidate recently promised to “resign even quicker” while another pledged to “become so forgettable that people will think this election was just a weird dream.”

Singleton’s campaign headquarters, operating out of a month-to-month lease in a strip mall, sends the same auto-reply to all emails: “Thank you for your interest. Don’t worry, we won’t keep your contact information. In fact, we’re probably going to lose it anyway because our campaign manager is already looking for other jobs.”

As of press time, Singleton was leading in polls among voters who described their political affiliation as “just wanting this all to stop.” When asked about his surprising success, the candidate remained true to his brand: “My fellow Americans, I promise to be the most forgettable president in history. Vote for me, and I’ll set you free — permanently. Also, please don’t try to follow me on social media after 2028. I’ll be blocking everyone.”