TikTok Bans Users Over 25: ‘Too Old to Understand Memes

In a move that would make even Snapchat blush, TikTok, the social media platform famed for its bite-sized dance routines and inexplicable challenges, has announced a bold new age restriction. Effective immediately, anyone unfortunate enough to have celebrated their 26th birthday will be ceremoniously booted from the platform. Citing a “pressing need to maintain a pure, youthful energy,” TikTok’s official statement declared older users a “threat to the delicate ecosystem of the For You Page.”

“Frankly, millennials just don’t get it,” sighed a spokesperson whose youthful glow could only be attributed to generous use of filters and a rigorous skincare routine. “They keep liking those minion memes and asking what ‘bussin’ means. It’s diluting the experience for our core demographic, which is, you know, people who haven’t yet succumbed to the indignities of adulting.”

The internet, naturally, erupted in a symphony of outrage. “This is age discrimination!” cried a 32-year-old former influencer, clutching a perfectly curated avocado toast for emotional support. “I’ve spent years cultivating my niche audience of fellow cat lovers in their late 20s! What am I supposed to do, take up knitting and complain about the weather on Facebook?”

Meanwhile, rumors swirl of a burgeoning “OldTok” underground. Desperate for their daily dose of dopamine hits, these social media pariahs are resorting to increasingly desperate measures. Some are reportedly resorting to using their children’s accounts, while others have taken to learning the dark arts of VPNs. One particularly enterprising individual has even established a black market for pre-aged accounts, allegedly sourced from unsuspecting teenagers bribed with Fortnite V-bucks.

The economic fallout is yet to be fully understood. Influencers who built their careers on dance challenges involving questionable CGI effects and strategically placed fruit are facing an uncertain future. Brands that once saw TikTok as a lucrative platform to reach young consumers are now left scrambling, forced to pivot their marketing strategies to cater to…grandparents learning how to use Zoom?

But perhaps the most offensive aspect of this entire debacle is TikTok’s proposed solution: “OldTok,” a new platform specifically designed for the over-25 crowd. This digital retirement home promises soothing ASMR videos, nostalgic challenges that involve remembering dial-up internet, and an endless stream of cat content so derivative it would make Garfield roll over in his lasagna grave.

This, dear reader, is the dystopian future TikTok is ushering in. A future where social media becomes segregated by age, where creativity is sacrificed at the altar of fleeting trends, and where the only content deemed worthy is enjoyed by those with the attention span of a goldfish.

We must not stand idly by! Share your stories of age-related discrimination with the hashtag #WrinkledButWoke. Boycott TikTok and embrace alternative platforms that celebrate diversity in all its wrinkly, meme-loving glory. Remember, age is just a number, but a good dab is timeless. Rise up, fellow olds! We will not be silenced, not while we still have the energy to film a decent TikTok dance (with at least three takes, thank you very much).