IN A TOTALLY REAL DEAL, TRUMP ANNOUNCES NEW REALITY SHOW FROM PRISON: ‘THE APPRENTICE: RETURN OF THE TANGERINE TYRANT’
NEW YORK — In what entertainment experts are calling the most ambitious crossover between reality TV and actual reality, former President Donald Trump announced today from his “incredibly luxurious” cell at Rikers Island that he’s launching a groundbreaking new season of The Apprentice. The show, which NBC has “definitely not agreed to” but Trump is “announcing anyway,” promises to revolutionize the intersection of legal defense and prime-time entertainment.
“It’s going to be tremendous, folks. Nobody does prison shows better than me, maybe except Martha Stewart, but she didn’t have my ratings,” Trump declared through the prison’s collect call system. “We’re taking this franchise to new heights – about six stories high, which is coincidentally the height of these beautiful concrete walls surrounding my temporary resort.”
The show’s revolutionary format will feature contestants competing to join Trump’s ever-rotating legal defense team, with challenges designed to test their skills in “creative accounting,” “document relocation expertise,” and “coffee boy plausible deniability training.” The winner will reportedly receive a grand prize of 100,000 Trump Bucks, redeemable at any Trump property that hasn’t been seized by the government.
Celebrity guest judges include “whoever still answers Trump’s calls,” with confirmed appearances by Rudy Giuliani via satellite from his car/office/temporary residence outside various landscaping businesses. Mike Lindell, the MyPillow CEO, has signed on as “Chief Comfort Consultant,” ensuring contestants remain well-rested during their 3 AM social media crisis management challenges.
“Each episode will showcase real-world skills essential for modern legal defense,” explained show producer John Barron, who sounds suspiciously like Trump speaking in a slightly lower register. “Contestants will face challenges like ‘Extreme Mar-a-Lago Makeover: Evidence Edition’ and ‘Classified Document Origami,’ where they’ll learn the art of turning top-secret documents into beautiful paper cranes.”
The show’s premiere episode, “The Art of the Plea Deal,” will feature contestants negotiating with a panel of prosecutors, all of whom Trump insists are “totally biased” and “probably Democrats.” Sources close to the production reveal that the entire series is being filmed exclusively by prison security cameras, which Trump claims are “the best cameras, maybe ever, even better than Hollywood’s.”
Despite the show having no network deal, official production staff, or basic filming permits, Trump maintains that ratings are “absolutely tremendous, possibly the highest in human history.” When asked about viewership numbers, Trump cited figures showing that “eleventy billion people” watched the pilot episode, a number that experts note exceeds Earth’s population by several billion.
Television industry analyst Jane Smith commented, “This isn’t actually a real show, but it’s still getting better ratings than Ron DeSantis’s campaign.” She added, “It’s fascinating how Trump has managed to turn potential jail time into a potential time slot.”
Aspiring contestants can allegedly apply at www.apprentice-from-justice.com, a website that redirects to a gif of Trump dancing at various rallies. The show is scheduled to premiere “right after the election, or whenever the deep state stops persecuting me, whichever comes first.”
As of press time, prison officials have reminded Trump that the commissary television can only be used during designated hours and that yelling “You’re fired!” at his cellmate violates prison conduct policies.
When reached for comment, NBC executives simply sighed deeply and poured themselves another drink, while Trump’s legal team issued a statement clarifying that any similarities between challenge tasks and actual crimes are “purely coincidental” and “very legal and very cool.”
