MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a bold move that has meteorologists questioning their career choices, former President Donald Trump announced his comprehensive plan to end hurricanes once and for all, declaring that “nobody knew weather was so complicated until I made it simple.”
Speaking from his Mar-a-Lago resort during a light drizzle, which he claimed was “fake rain sent by the deep state,” Trump unveiled his ambitious “Weather Force One” initiative while wearing what appeared to be a rain poncho backwards. “This is the new way to wear it, folks. I’ve revolutionized rain gear, and a lot of people are saying it’s incredible,” Trump assured his gleaming-wet supporters.
The centerpiece of Trump’s anti-hurricane strategy involves constructing what he calls a “beautiful, tremendous ocean wall” along the entire Atlantic coast. “We’re going to build a wall, and the clouds are going to pay for it,” Trump declared, gesturing toward the sky with his signature pointing motion. “I know clouds. I have the best relationships with clouds. They’re already calling me, begging to fund this wall.”
Dr. John Barron, introduced as Trump’s chief meteorological advisor (later revealed to be his golf caddy wearing a lab coat), explained the scientific principles behind the plan. “President Trump’s natural understanding of weather, gained from decades of owning golf courses, has led to breakthrough discoveries that traditional scientists are too afraid to consider,” said Barron, adjusting his clearly visible caddy name tag.
The comprehensive strategy includes several innovative approaches to hurricane prevention. “We’re going to rename hurricanes after weak Democrats,” Trump explained. “That way, they’ll never win. Has anyone noticed there’s never been a Hurricane Donald? That’s not a coincidence, folks.”
The plan also involves deploying thousands of industrial-grade fans along the coastline, which Trump claims will “blow the hurricanes back to where they came from.” When asked about the power source for these fans, Trump responded, “Clean coal. The cleanest coal. So clean you can eat it, but I don’t recommend it. But you could!”
Perhaps the most controversial aspect of the proposal involves Trump’s suggestion to combat rising sea levels by “simply adding more land.” When pressed for details, Trump produced a Mar-a-Lago dinner napkin covered in gold Sharpie drawings, featuring what appeared to be stick figures fighting clouds with golf clubs.
The former president also announced the creation of a specialized “hurricane negotiation team,” trained at the newly reinstated Trump University. “These people, they’re going to speak to the hurricanes. They’re going to make deals with them. Nobody makes better deals with natural disasters than Trump University graduates, believe me.”
To fund this ambitious project, Trump unveiled the “Weather Patriots” membership program, offering supporters “No Hurricane Guarantees” certificates for just $99.99 per month. “It’s a beautiful certificate, probably the most beautiful certificate ever made,” Trump assured potential investors while demonstrating how his signature Trump-branded Industrial-Strength Hair Spray can “show wind who’s boss.”
As the press conference concluded and the drizzle intensified to a steady rain, Trump announced he was filing a lawsuit against Mother Nature for “weather manipulation” and “election interference,” while simultaneously declaring victory over all future storms. “Any hurricanes you see from now on are just fake news,” he stated, his backwards poncho now completely soaked. “We’ve already fixed the hurricane problem. Fixed it better than anyone thought possible.”
The National Weather Service declined to comment, although sources report several meteorologists were seen banging their heads against their radar screens. Meanwhile, Trump’s “Weather Truth” social media platform is set to launch just as soon as the hurricanes sign their non-disclosure agreements.
At press time, Trump was reportedly in intense negotiations with a light breeze that had disrupted his hair, demanding it sign a loyalty pledge or “face tremendous consequences.”
