WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling “the most innovative assault on learning since flat-earthers discovered Facebook,” President Donald Trump’s proposed education budget eliminates public schools entirely and replaces them with a national reality TV competition titled “The Apprentice: Kid Edition.”
Under the new plan, traditional classrooms will be replaced with high-stakes boardroom settings where students must compete against one another in weekly challenges to secure a spot in the next grade level. Those who fail will be dramatically “fired” and sent straight into the workforce as unpaid interns at Mar-a-Lago.
“Look, folks, schools? Overrated. Reading, writing, math—who needs it? I didn’t learn a thing in school, and I became the most successful businessman who’s ever filed for bankruptcy six times,” Trump declared at a press conference held in front of a gold-plated chalkboard. “This new system? It’s gonna be tremendous, just tremendous. Kids learn best under pressure. That’s how we make winners. No more teachers, no more textbooks, just pure, unfiltered competition. Like life, but better.”
The “Apprentice” Approach to Learning
According to the newly formed Department of Education & Branding, each academic year will consist of 12-episode “seasons,” where students must complete weekly challenges in subjects like math, history, and political loyalty.
For example, instead of taking algebra tests, students will be tasked with calculating how many Trump steaks they’d need to sell to afford a seat at a Republican fundraiser. History class will be replaced with “Make America Memorize Again,”where kids are tested on their ability to recite Trump’s rally speeches verbatim. The only required reading material? The Art of the Deal.
Students who succeed in the weekly challenges will be allowed to move on to the next grade level. Those who fail will be fired on live television, escorted off the set by security, and given a copy of Rich Dad Poor Dad as a consolation prize.
“The education system is broken, okay? These kids today, they’re soft,” said Eric Trump, who has been appointed as the show’s executive producer despite never finishing a crossword puzzle without help. “My father’s plan is genius. You think Lincoln had a public school? No. He just read some books by candlelight and look what happened—BOOM, greatest president. This is what kids need.”
Faculty Replaced by Trump Associates, Unqualified Celebrities
With the elimination of public schools, teachers will no longer be necessary. Instead, children will be mentored by an elite panel of Trump-approved educators, including:
- Betsy DeVos (Secretary of Education, Returning Champion), who will make sure no students receive financial aid unless their parents own a yacht.
- Kid Rock, who will lead the new “American Values” curriculum by playing the national anthem on an electric guitar while riding a bald eagle.
- Mike Lindell, who will oversee standardized testing—by stuffing multiple-choice answers into MyPillows and having students pick at random.
Instead of traditional report cards, students will receive quarterly tweets from Trump himself, rating their performance on a scale from “Low Energy” to “Total Winner.” Any student who receives a “Sad!” or “Disaster!” rating twice in a row will be permanently expelled and strongly encouraged to start a podcast.
Eliminating College Debt By Eliminating College Altogether
The budget also proposes eliminating higher education entirely, citing the fact that “colleges are full of radical leftist professors who hate America and don’t even own a single golf course.” In its place, Trump University will be reopened under the new name “Trump University 2.0: This Time It’s Legal”, offering exclusive courses such as:
- “How to Sue Your Way to Success” (Taught by Rudy Giuliani)
- “Ethics? Never Heard of It” (Taught by Jared Kushner)
- “Advanced Grifting: From Casinos to Crypto” (Taught by every Trump campaign manager)
For students unable to afford tuition, Trump has proposed a new “Student Loan Alternative Program,” where instead of borrowing money, young people can simply work off their education debt by building Trump-branded luxury apartments in Florida.
Public Reaction: Confusion, But Not Surprise
As news of the plan spread, reactions were mixed. Parents expressed concerns that an education system based entirely on a reality show might not properly prepare their children for the real world. Others, however, pointed out that Trump’s plan is still less chaotic than Florida’s current curriculum.
Education experts were also quick to weigh in.
“This will create a generation of students who know nothing about science, literature, or critical thinking, but who will be incredibly skilled at branding and selling overpriced merchandise,” said one Harvard professor. “So, basically, we’re just making more influencers.”
Meanwhile, Democrats in Congress immediately vowed to block the plan.
“This is outrageous,” said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. “Public schools are a fundamental right. We will not stand by and let America’s children be turned into contestants in a dystopian game show.”
However, when it was pointed out that Congress hasn’t successfully stopped Trump from doing anything in nearly a decade, Jeffries just sighed and walked away.
Closing Thoughts: Act Now Before Your Kid Gets Left Behind
With the plan set to roll out next school year, the White House is urging parents to prepare their children now. Trump’s Department of Education & Branding recommends all students begin training in “thinking on their feet, selling products no one wants, and forming strong personal alliances with billionaires.”
“If your kid doesn’t make it in this system, that’s on you,” Trump warned. “I built an empire with nothing but a small loan of a million dollars. If your kid can’t survive a reality show, maybe they just don’t have what it takes.”
Enrollment for “The Apprentice: Kid Edition” opens next month. Parents are encouraged to sign up quickly—before their child is left behind, or worse, forced to attend public school in Canada.
