Trump’s ‘Art of the Deal’ Notes Go Missing, Blames Zelensky for Lack of Evidence

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking turn of events that has left the international community both baffled and mildly amused, President Donald Trump has accused Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky of pilfering his sacred “Art of the Deal” notes. The alleged theft, which Trump claims occurred during a White House meeting back in 2019, has sparked a diplomatic crisis that threatens to overshadow the ongoing conflict in Ukraine.

Trump, speaking from his gold-plated bunker beneath Mar-a-Lago, told reporters, “Zelensky, who I hear is a very funny guy, not as funny as me of course, but funny, he took my beautiful notes. The best notes. Notes that would make your head spin. And now he’s using them against us. It’s a disgrace!”

The former president’s accusations came in the form of a 3 AM Truth Social rant, where he detailed finding “Ukrainian fingerprints” on his notepad and demanded the immediate return of his intellectual property, along with “royalties on all Ukrainian deals since 2019, plus interest, and a lifetime supply of chicken kyiv.”

President Zelensky, visibly perplexed during an emergency press conference in Kyiv, vehemently denied the accusations. “First of all, I prefer ‘The Art of War,’ thank you very much,” Zelensky quipped. “Secondly, Mr. Trump might want to check for his notes in one of his many courtrooms. I hear he’s been spending a lot of time there lately.”

The Ukrainian leader went on to offer Trump a copy of “Negotiation for Dummies” as a peace offering, adding, “It might be more his speed, and hey, it comes with pictures!”

The international community has been quick to react to this unprecedented diplomatic crisis. Russian President Vladimir Putin, sensing an opportunity, has offered to mediate the dispute, proposing a summit at Mar-a-Lago’s world-renowned taco bowl restaurant. NATO, meanwhile, is considering forming a special task force to locate the missing notes, codenamed “Operation Ghostwriter.”

At the United Nations, the Security Council convened an emergency session to debate a resolution condemning “the theft of questionable literature.” The Chinese delegation suggested that perhaps the real crime was the writing of “The Art of the Deal” in the first place, a statement that received surprising bipartisan support.

As the controversy unfolds, the FBI has launched a full-scale investigation into the matter. “Operation Ghostwriter” has seen teams of forensic experts analyzing Trump’s remaining notes for traces of Ukrainian salami and borscht stains. Conspiracy theorists have already begun claiming that the missing notes are actually hidden in Hunter Biden’s infamous laptop, along with the lost city of Atlantis and Jimmy Hoffa’s remains.

Adding fuel to the fire, leaked excerpts from what appears to be Zelensky’s adaptation of Trump’s techniques have begun circulating online. Chapter titles such as “How to Negotiate When Your Country Is Actually At War” and “The Art of the Real Deal: Surviving Putin’s Temper Tantrums” have raised eyebrows and blood pressures in equal measure.

Trump, never one to back down from a legal battle, has threatened to sue Zelensky for copyright infringement. The Ukrainian president’s response was characteristically dry: “I learned from the master of frivolous litigation. Perhaps Mr. Trump would like to negotiate a settlement? I hear he’s quite good at that.”

As tensions continue to escalate, sources close to both leaders have suggested an unconventional resolution to the crisis. Trump and Zelensky have reportedly agreed to settle their dispute through a televised dance-off, with the winner receiving mineral rights to the Moon and the loser being forced to read “The Art of the Deal” aloud on TikTok.

Political analysts are divided on the potential outcome. “On one hand, Trump has the advantage of years of reality TV experience,” noted one expert. “On the other hand, Zelensky was literally a comedian and actor before becoming president. It’s anyone’s game.”

As the world holds its breath for this unprecedented display of diplomatic dancery, citizens are being urged to vote on which leader has the better hair for wind resistance during the upcoming battle. Early polls suggest Zelensky has a slight edge, though Trump’s camp insists his coiffure is “aerodynamically superior” and “totally real, folks, believe me.”

In these trying times, one thing is certain: the art of international diplomacy has never looked quite so absurd. Or so well-coiffed.