CHIANG MAI, THAILAND – Prepare to be transformed. Prepare to embark on a journey of self-discovery. Prepare, in short, to be utterly, irrevocably, and possibly fatally, inconvenienced. Max has announced that the highly anticipated third season of The White Lotus will be set amidst the serene splendor of a luxury wellness retreat in Northern Thailand, a location practically begging for rich people to find new and innovative ways to be awful to each other.
Forget your humdrum all-inclusive resorts. This season, the one percent seek inner peace, a commodity purchasable with enough baht. The “Ananda Lotus Sanctuary,” nestled amidst cascading rice paddies and promising panoramic views of enlightenment, is the backdrop for this latest installment of privileged misery. Marketing materials boast “authentic cultural immersion,” which, as we all know from the previous two seasons, translates to “ignoring the locals while complaining about the Wi-Fi.”
This year’s cast of characters promises to be even more insufferable than before. We’ve got Chad Thundercock III, a tech bro turned “spiritual guru” who recently sold his AI-powered dog-walking app for a cool billion and now fancies himself a reincarnation of Buddha. Then there’s Brittany Van Der Snoot IV, a socialite fleeing her fifth divorce with a suitcase full of crystals and a desperate need to find “balance” – preferably on a yoga mat made of ethically sourced yak hair. And let’s not forget @InfluencerOfWellness, whose Instagram feed is already saturated with #blessed #namaste #livingmybestlife posts, each carefully curated to hide the simmering rage beneath her perfectly Botoxed brow.
“We wanted to explore the dark underbelly of the wellness industry,” explained a network executive who, judging by his pressed linen suit and suspiciously deep tan, has never set foot outside a five-star resort himself. “The juxtaposition of serene landscapes and deeply troubled individuals creates a potent dramatic tension. Also, we needed a place with good lighting for the inevitable dead body.”
This season, viewers can expect the usual White Lotus trademarks: existential angst, marital infidelity played out against the backdrop of ancient temples, and at least one character who sincerely believes they’ve found their “authentic self” after a week-long juice cleanse. But this time, it’s all spiritual. Or, as spiritual as a week-long stay at a resort that charges $200 for a kombucha can be.
Rumors abound regarding potential plotlines. Sources say a guided meditation session might go sideways after a guest accidentally ingests a hallucinogenic tea brewed from endangered jungle frogs. Another whispers of a torrid love triangle between a hunky yoga instructor and two competing guests, culminating in a passive-aggressive chanting competition. And of course, there’s speculation about which character will meet their untimely demise. Will it be the tech bro guru, whose hubris finally catches up with him? The influencer, whose pursuit of “likes” leads her down a dangerous path? Or perhaps the beleaguered resort staff, pushed to their breaking point by demanding guests who can’t distinguish between enlightenment and room service?
One thing is certain: The White Lotus Season 3 will once again hold a mirror to the absurdities of the wealthy elite. It will remind us that even in paradise, surrounded by the soothing sounds of nature and the gentle hum of chanting monks, rich people can still find a way to make everything about themselves. And we, the viewing public, will be there to watch it all unfold with a mixture of morbid fascination and schadenfreude. After all, what’s more relaxing than watching other people’s lives implode? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to book a “transformative” silent retreat. I hear they have excellent Wi-Fi.
